Health

Tips For Aging Gracefully (Kicking and Screaming All The Way)

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, this can’t be right? Sadly my friends, we’ve reached an age where preventative maintenance is mandatory. It could be something simple as an oil change, or pump up your tires. Or it could SAVE your life.

1. Even assholes have feelings

After 50, doctors crack down on booty calls. Get your rear in gear for the dreaded C word — Colonoscopy. You can’t sit on it any longer. When someone claims you’re full of shit, they’re dead right, but if your screen comes out clean you’re clear for ten years.

2. I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle

Remember when your knees were labeled left and right, instead of good and bad? Armchair athletes need to get off their ass and find activities that offset injuries. Decide which fits your busy schedule better, exercising an hour a day…or being dead 24 hours a day?

3. A smile is the most beautiful curve on a woman’s body

Teeth don’t get wrinkles, but they definitely discolour as we age. Coffee, tea, red wine, and mellowing causes yellowing. If you’re long in the tooth, whiten those choppers and shave off five years.

4. The wardrobe wakeup

Remember when we saw that old man on the street, and you said “If I ever leave the house dressed that way, shoot me.” Well hunny, say buh-bye to socks with sandals and baggy-ass denim. Look for jeans with at least 2% lycra. They give your butt a perky lift and don’t stretch out.

5. Keep calm until the meds kick in

Sure, we ‘got milk’ and an emotional attachment to cheese. It’s all gouda, but it could brie better. Vitamins support brain fog, menopause symptoms, and bone health. The supplement world is vast and confusing, but staples for women over 50 are 1) a Calcium/Magnesium combo, 2) Vitamin D, and 3) a multivitamin with reduced iron.

6. Old Age: A beginners guide

WASH YOUR FACE BEFORE BED! Everything you come in contact with during the day is on your skin, leaving a compost of dirt, bacteria, makeup, oil, and dead skin cells on your pillow. Exfoliate once a week with a gentle scrub. Finish off with a moisturizer that hides the fact you’ve been tired since 2005.

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  1. Ken MacLean

    The “tired since 2005” is funny shit.

  2. Joanne

    Thank God there is no mention of reducing alcohol intake! I’ve been living in the Shuswap for 4 1/2 months…I’m pretty sure I can drink most people under the table now.

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