Tips For Aging Gracefully (Kicking and Screaming All The Way)

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, this can’t be right? Sadly my friends, we’ve reached an age where preventative tune-ups are priority. It could be something as simple as checking your dipstick, replacing fluids, or pumping your tires. Or, it could SAVE your life.

1. Even assholes have feelings

After 50, we have to crack down on booty calls. Get your rear in gear for the dreaded C word — Colonoscopy, or a yearly FIT test. When someone claims you’re full of shit, they’re dead right, but if your screen comes out clean, you’re clear for ten years.

2. I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle

Remember when knees were labeled left and right, instead of good and bad? Armchair athletes are encouraged to find activities that offset injuries (pickleball much). What fits your busy schedule better, exercising an hour a day…or being dead 24 hours a day?

3. A smile is the most beautiful curve on a woman’s body

Teeth don’t wrinkle, but they definitely discolour. Coffee, tea, red wine, and mellowing causes yellowing. If you’re long in the tooth, whiten those choppers and shave off five years.

4. The wardrobe wakeup

Remember after seeing the old man on the street, you said “If I ever leave the house dressed that way, shoot me.” Say buh-bye to socks with sandals and baggy-ass denim. Look for jeans with at least 2% lycra. They give your butt a perky lift and don’t stretch out.

5. Keep calm until the meds kick in

Sure, we ‘got milk’ and an emotional attachment to cheese. It’s all good, but it could brie better. Vitamins support brain fog, menopause symptoms, and bone health. The supplement world is vast and confusing, but staples for women over 50 are 1) a Cal/Mag combo, 2) Vitamin D, and 3) a multi-vitamin with reduced iron.

6. Old Age: A beginners guide

WASH YOUR FACE BEFORE BED! Everything you come in contact with during the day is on your skin, leaving a compost of dirt, bacteria, makeup, oil, and dead skin cells on your pillow. Exfoliate once a week with a gentle scrub. Finish off with a moisturizer that hides the fact you’ve been tired since 2005.

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  1. Ken MacLean

    The “tired since 2005” is funny shit.

  2. Joanne

    Thank God there is no mention of reducing alcohol intake! I’ve been living in the Shuswap for 4 1/2 months…I’m pretty sure I can drink most people under the table now.

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