Chugga Chugga Toot Toot

When we were young, Mom preferred to use the word “spark” in lieu of fart, as potty humour was reserved for stinky boys. “Eew, you sparked!” would have us rolling with laughter, which inevitably led to more sparks.

After big meals, our family would collectively unfasten our Levi’s to digest. Once word of our naiveté got out, we were mercilessly mocked by our peers. Thus, began a lifelong discretion of perfecting the back door breeze.

When sparks fly in a hot n’ heavy new relationship, gastro-glitches can be a shitty little secret. I’d run into a different room to let ‘er rip, rather than risk the anal acoustics. For dudes, the ultimate display of gaslighting is a dutch oven or pull-my-finger prank, earning them a master’s degree in fine farts.

You don’t lose your spark in a long term romance, you simply don’t make a stink over bottom burps anymore. I’m growing accustomed to crop dusting grocery aisles, Pro-tip: leave a headphone out to monitor the audio, and never make eye contact.

Sixty percent of the flatulence comes out of nowhere. They just fall out of my body, hither nither. There’s nothing wrong with a little jet-propelled exertion to get my bumsen burner off the couch, and it often adds 20 yards to my golf drive.

It’s normal to fluff, poof, puff, squeak, clap and quack 14 to 24 times per day, so spark ‘em if you got ‘em. Butt, as we’ve learned, don’t boom boom a bubbler in the shower unless you’re scrubbing solo.

Tooting your own horn is a good sign of a fiber fueled diet and healthy colon. If folks couldn’t release gas, we’d inflate like helium balloons, until a rearmost cheek sneak would send you oscillating ‘round the room. You’ll find us gallivanting into our golden years with a twinkle in our eye, and an effervescent spark in our step!

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  1. Bonnie

    Hahaha! You girls always put a smile on my face ❤️. Spark…. It sounds so much nicer – more lady like

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