Surviving Ovarian Retirement

Shortly before my 49th birthday, internal alarm bells set off a menacing chime.

“Why is she so snarky?” my pursed lips asked my clenched jaw.

“Why is she so snacky?” my muffin top questioned my growing gut.

My head dm’d my heart saying, “I’m worried, we’ve never seen her this wretched before!”

By the time I hit perimenopause, my uterus had been to the dark side and back. Unbeknownst to me, reverse puberty would rear its pimply head, spawning pungent pits and oily hair for a second go-round. My new moniker was Farrah Moan.

No one told me I’d be so quick to throw fists, without provocation. In my head, I’ve bitch-slapped every unsuspecting loved one within reach, while mastering the draining skill of crying on a dime. I self-soothed to the mantra “Calm down, we’ll make it look like an accident,”

This semi-charmed kind of life didn’t warrant the magnitude of such mood swings, so I chalked it up to anxiety, depression, and my husband’s breathing. I felt like I was failing at life. One minute your brain is working overtime, the next it’s on strike and laying off cells.

It wasn’t until my first full flash that I figured it out. I was down a quart of lady-lube. Like a game of Clue, I pieced together libido loss in the library, sleepless nights in the conservatory, and can’t remember for my life why I came into the billiard room.

In Mom’s era, women were mum on menopause, only recently has the landscape shifted. With unlimited information at your fingertips, tap into the ch-ch-ch-changes. Don’t wait for Mrs. Peacock to show up with the lead pipe. Sexy up your tone the next you say, “I’m so hot.” I hope Miss Scarlett enjoys her next 480 periods!

The A,B,C’s:

A motion is lotion – resistance train for muscle mass
Bump up protein and fiber
Collagen for hair, skin, nails
Douse the bits with KY
Extra supplements ie. Magnesium, Vit D, Omega 3
Fortify your pelvic floor or urine trouble
Get baseline levels tested
Hormone happy pills vs. natural therapies

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