1. Don’t keep score, even if you’re totally winning.
2. Don’t rsvp to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time.”
3. Don’t hide your crazy. Just bring out your normal from time to time.
4. Don’t ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
5. Don’t dwell on the past. Focus on the dire things that might happen tomorrow.
6. Don’t walk into your teenage son’s room and Axe what smells.
7. Don’t put your money where your mouth is, that’s gross.
8. Don’t judge. You haven’t walked in my shoes or ridden on my broom.
9. Don’t worry about getting older. You can still do dumb shit, only slower.
10. Don’t say everything that’s on your mind. Leave a little something for your Psychic.
1. Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls).
2. Eat a sandwich before you start yelling.
3. Use real butter. No margarine for error.
4. When in doubt, remember FISH…Fuck It, Shit Happens.
5. Keep a landline. How else are you supposed to find your cell phone.
6. Dance like no one’s watching. Because they’re not. They’re checking their phones.
7. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut the F up.
8. Have an in-depth chat with a five-year old so you can understand life again.
9. Throw in a hard workout every now and then. Rehydrate with margaritas.
10. Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
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