The Ultimate Bag Lady

Raise your hand if you’ve stood in a checkout line, patiently waiting for a little old lady to pay? Rummaging through her giant handbag, she slowly unzips every zipper in search of that elusive credit card, adamant it’s in the abyss of one of those seventeen compartments. Zip zip zip zip zip!

Sifting through handfuls of receipts, she retrieves four unmarked plastic card holders, identical to each other. Her arthritic fingers no longer work the same, making it a painful process for all. A drawn-out conversation about her grandchildren ensues, until she triumphantly brandishes the card via the final comb through.

In doing so, she’s pulled out the entire contents of her bag. The heft of her scrotum-sized coin purse is quite the flex for an ol’ gal. At a snail’s pace, she reclaims the kleenex, money, fuzzy scotch mints, and a tube of coral lipstick. She then closes every zipper.

Zip zip zip zip zip!

Behind me, the lengthy line collectively expresses a harried sigh. This kicks up her anxiety, causing her to use the restroom – for the third time. She backs her car out in front of me, and with a sweet little wave, leisurely drives off….with a brand new lineup forming behind her.

As I wave back it dawns on me, this is a crystal ball to my future. Time will eventually mean nothing, and yet there’ll be so little of it left. My superficial takeaway from this encounter is – I gotta get me a hyper-efficient purse!

The Magic Shoulder Bag:

🔹 Large pockets sub-divided and labeled in capital letters

🔹 A compact mirror that doesn’t allow you to colour outside the lines

🔹 In vogue velcro – no zippers or snaps

🔹 A built-in kleenex dispenser

🔹 Featherweight

🔹 A bold color you can easily locate

🔹 An expandable wallet that says FU cashier, my joint pain is moderate to severe

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