Health

What Happened To My Body?

A funny thing happened on the way to middle age.

1. What happened to my eyesight?

When the kids were little, I lovingly read the menu aloud to them. Now, in dimly lit restaurants, they reluctantly read it to me.

The sisters suggest: Scatter glasses throughout your home…stemless, hand painted, and flutes.

2. What happened to my hands?

The thin, faint veins on the back of my hands have been replaced with those of a river-bloated corpse.

The sisters suggest: Tell whoever comments on your old lady hands to kiss your liver spotted ass.

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3. What happened to my nails?

If I ever find myself in a compromising situation, these brittle talons can be used as a shiv, shank, or corkscrew. A self-manicure would help, but it’s hard with this damned eyesight.

The sisters suggest: Stop ripping off your cuticles like a buzzard with a carcass.

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Swiss Army Knife

4. What happened to my waistline?

Over the years, we’ve witnessed a gradual progression from boyish, to hourglass, to bombshell (as in, this shit exploded.)

The sisters suggest: Go for a long walk, then eat the cake. It’s all about balance baby!

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5. What happened to my vagina?

Other than pruning the garden, the younger me never gave this any thought. Now I’ve noticed that once she starts talking, she doesn’t shut up.

The sisters suggest: Encourage her to speak in tongues.

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6. What happened to my knees?

They’ve been folded and neatly creased…horizontally.

The sisters suggest: Spend more time with your legs in the air.

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What happened to my hair?
After two weeks of fun in the sun, I’m wondering how many people noticed the inch long black hair jutting out of my chin…before I did.

The sisters suggest: You know you’re getting older when you have to wear glasses in the shower to shave your legs.

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What happened to my neck?
My anxiety kicks into high gear every Thanksgiving. Selfies with age-appropriate angles are best taken by a drone.

The sisters suggest: Embody all things giraffe-like.

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What happened to my teeth?
We’re getting to that age where implants aren’t nearly as exciting as they used to be. The only bridge I want to see better fucking have water under it.

The sisters suggest: Don’t let that English heritage rule your mouth.

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Tunes you should have on your iPod:
David Bowie ✪ Changes
Young The Giant ✤ My Body
Ben Harper ✹ Diamonds On The Inside

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Join the discussion

  1. Dawn

    I am soooooooooooooo relating to this hahaha Love it

  2. Danny

    Love it! This is the direction you need to head with your speaking engagements. People would pay to hear this from you gals because it is so funny and (I assume) true.

    Sangaria Sisters Raw(er) how does that sound for your next speaking gig.

  3. Julie

    I love your posts! Nice we can laugh at ourselves!

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