I Glitterally Can’t

Have you ever noticed a random sparkle or two on someone’s face, and wondered where the hell it came from? Wayward cosmetics or crafting is a feasible guess, but when it’s a gaggle of golf girls on a runaway weekend, we’re likely lit from within!

Halfway through our Disney theme day, Tinkerbell glitter bombed the unsuspecting Princesses with emerald green pixie dust. The shimmering blast radius settled into every crook and crack. If you had a hunch where the sparkles came from, I bet you never saw that one coming!

When it comes to Christmas, glitter is the gift that keeps on giving. Last year I dropped a wreath on laminate flooring, and when the light hits just right, it still gives off a Studio 54 vibe. In the season of spot cleaning, how many times have you revisited that sparkly spackled mantle? And, who the fuck wraps practical white undies in a red glittery box? Be still my vajazzled vulva.

The following are things we’d rather see gone, and things we’d like to get back.

Things to be snuffed out:

1. Glitter – she who leaves a trail of twinkles is never forgotten (thanks Tinkerhell). 😉

2. Pantyhose – a steamy hot gusset is the grotto of yeast infections.

3. 7-Eleven Hoagies – they only pretend to be a good idea at 2:00 am.

4. Teletubbies – unless you’re an avid LSD user.

5. Eighty of the 96 canned options of low-cal alcoholic beverages. How diverse can a vodka soda be?

Things to resurrect:

1. Drive-In Theatres – the mammoth screen your eyesight now needs, with the bonus of popcorn and pajama pants.

2. Manual transmission vehicles – because everyone looks cool driving a stick.

3. Dear handwriting: I don’t want to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want – Sincerely, grammar and punctuation.

4. Imperial measurement – pound for pound is better than kilo for kilo.

5. Anonymity – because phone pranks are funny. Hello, is Mike Hunt there?

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