I Glitterally Can’t

Have you ever noticed a random sparkle or two on someone’s face, and wondered where the hell it came from? A crafting project or wayward makeup is a feasible hunch, but maybe there’s more to it than that.

On a girls golf theme weekend, Tinkerbell glitter bombed our unsuspecting Princesses with emerald green pixie dust. The shimmering blast radius settled into every crook and crack. If you had to guess, I bet you never saw that one coming!

When it comes to Christmas, glitter is the gift that keeps on giving. Last year I dropped a wreath on laminate flooring, and when the light hits just right, it still gives off a Studio 54 vibe. In the season of spot cleaning, how many times have you revisited that sparkly spackled mantle? And, who the fuck wraps practical white undies in a red glittery box? Be still my vajazzled vulva.

The following are things we’d rather see gone, and things we’d like to get back.

Things to be snuffed out:

1. Glitter – she who leaves a trail of twinkles is never forgotten (thanks Tinkerhell). 😉

2. Pantyhose – a steamy hot gusset is the grotto of yeast infections.

3. 7-Eleven Hoagies – they only pretend to be a good idea at 2:00 am.

4. Teletubbies – unless you’re an avid LSD user.

5. Eighty of the 96 canned options of low-cal alcoholic beverages. How diverse can a vodka soda be?

Things to resurrect:

1. Drive-In Theatres – the mammoth screen your eyesight now needs, with the bonus of popcorn and pajama pants.

2. Manual transmission vehicles – because everyone looks cool driving a stick.

3. Dear handwriting: I don’t want to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want – Sincerely, grammar and punctuation.

4. Imperial measurement – pound for pound is better than kilo for kilo.

5. Anonymity – because phone pranks are funny. Hello, is Mike Hunt there?

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