What Happened To My Body?

Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You

Dimly lit restaurants are the enemy you didn’t see coming. That radiant glow by candlelight softens years off my face…until it’s time to order. Shapeshifting into a senior, I squint through readers, scanning the menu by the beam of my phone’s flashlight. It helps to have more than one pair of glasses. I suggest stemless, hand painted, and flutes.

Tough as Nails

If I ever find myself in a maximum insecurity prison or compromising situation, these brittle talons can be used as a shiv or shank. A self-manicure would help, but I’m damned with this poor eyesight.

On One Hand…

The thin, faint veins on the back of my hands have swollen into that of a river-bloated corpse. Intersecting highways of purply blue blood vessels snake through my skin like a 3D road map. On the other hand, I’m an IV nurse’s wet dream.

Youth is Waisted on the Young

Over the years my figure has matured from boyish, to hourglass, to bombshell. As in, this shit exploded.

Is it Knee You’re Looking For?

If you spent any length of time on your knees, the original warranty for them may have expired. Good news! With a replacement part, you won’t notice the crepey crevices when a new scar is the star of the show. Save on wear and tear by laying prone with your legs in the air…

Beat Around the Bush

While landscaping the lady garden, younger me never heard a peep from my tight-lipped vagina. However, 8 lbs. 9 ½ oz. later, and she can’t shut the fuck up. If she continues to flap her yap, I’ll encourage her to speak in tongues.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

A beautiful waterfall of jet black hair is sexy when it’s flowing down my back, but not when it’s the back of my thighs. I’m yeti to hire someone to mow those extra yards!

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  1. Bonnie

    Haha! Thanks for the chuckle this morning girls! ❤️

  2. Tammi

    Funny girls!! Made me laugh!!!

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