Raising wild things without an owner’s manual is like trekking the safari on foot. By the time we realize it’s our circus, we’ve unwittingly messed up our monkeys.
It takes a sixth sense to parent like a mother. Avoid coughing up counselling coin by following our top ten grape therapy tips.
1. Remain fully clothed at all times
If an udder or pube falls out of your bathing suit, take a deep breath and sink to the bottom of the pool where you are to remain until said child who witnessed the trauma has graduated and moved away.
2. Never ask questions about the boyfriend/girlfriend
This is completely off limits. You’ll know the relationship is permanent when they drop off a grandchild to babysit for the weekend.
3. Never express yourself musically in public or at home
This includes but is not limited to: singing, dancing, humming, finger snapping, and foot tapping. Lip-syncing into a wooden spoon is grounds for late adoption.
4. Never have sex
Don’t even talk about it or use non verbal gestures. Don’t watch other people enjoying it. Just. Don’t.
5. Control your wave
The size of the affectionate gesture you’re allowed to make dropping your tadpole off at school is directly proportional to age – by Jr. High simply slow your roll to let them drop and roll a block away from school.
6. Pay for professional haircuts
Would you let your mother cut your hair? Using curl inducing or mistake camoflauging hair products on picture day is child abuse – permanently documented.
7. Never use a nickname in public
Any future bully will turn Pooh Bear into Piss Panda in a heartbeat.
8. Perfect your under the pillow tooth extraction / money insertion
Fuck up the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny will whisper to Santa, “Pack your sac, dude. Let’s bounce.” Childhood fantasy officially over.
9. Save sordid stories for your peers
Missing your misspent youth? Tales of planting your juggernauts on the bar to get your underage point home is cringe worthy to kids.
10. Understand and accept that you’re not cool
You never were and you never will be. The End.
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