Three Hacks for the Hormonally Challenged

I don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

The word hack has multiple definitions; chop roughly, a harsh cough, how I play golf, and clever tips. Below I give you three hacks for the esthetics of aging.

1. Fix Your Tit

As we age, gravity thrusts the twins into a nose-dive. Loss of tissue density and skin elasticity manifest themselves in the cruellest of ways – specifically, the crooked tit.

When we’re young our breasts rest effortlessly on our chest at a crisp 90 degree angle. A wayward nipple is cute, almost whimsical. That headlight is directive, shouting “Oh, the places you’ll go!”

However, when you need three hands to stuff shapeless flesh inside your bra hoping it masks itself as a breast, the errant nipple merely mumbles, “Oh, you’ve already been. Everywhere. Twice.”

Assigning a friend to be on nipple alert is key. A prearranged, nonverbal signal works best. You could ask your mate, but as a rule they’re rendered useless after hearing the word boobs.

2. Tan Your Knees

As Estrogen and Progesterone vamoose, skedaddle, head for the fucking hills, they kidnap our supple skin leaving leather behind – and no, it’s not Corinthian.

Not to promote tanning – we don’t do that anymore, having shelved Baby Oil with our neon hairbands. But nothing wrong with a little colour whilst chillaxing on a chaise, sipping and working on your glow.

Therein lies the problem. You gotta toast your gams with your legs bent, allowing rays to filter through crevices shrouded by knee wrinkles. Bees knees are groovy, zebra knees, not so much.

3. Be Vigilant With Facial Hair

My soul patch hints at my Eastern European ancestry. Those of us with a certain lineage have dealt with unwanted facial hair [who would actually want it?] since age five. Bonus, the mutton chops increase exponentially with age.

Hair sprouts on your chin and upper lip at lightning speed. On sunny days, the car rearview mirror is your new BFF. Wax, laser, pluck away, but nothing shows off 75 random bastard-invaders like the high noon sun.

Keep a tool kit in the car for quick removal. With advancements in auto technology, elite models should add depilatory functions – perhaps a small pot of hot wax that sits snug and cozy in the console.

Really, if a car can park itself, why can’t it cater to hormotional women!

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  1. Emily Hughes

    Love this! I’m really having a terrible time with all the menopause crap!

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