Recipe for a Mother
Take one woman in the prime of her life. Add a dash of sperm. Fold in nausea and uncontrollable food cravings. Sprinkle in stretch marks, tender breasts, and swollen ankles.…
The Best Parts Of Summer Our Kids Will Never Know
1. We drank out of a hose and lived to tell about it. At full blast, a garden hose was the original waterpik, and a highspeed way to excavate popcorn…
10 Things My Kids Don’t Need To Know
1. I recently stumbled across my high school transcripts. It was humbling to see my teenage fuckery translated into half-assed marks. I resolved to turn that mockery into a drinking game. Take…
How Do You Rate As A Mom?
If I had to grade myself, I'd say 80% of the time I’m a great Mom, and the rest of the time I dial it in. My role was much clearer…
Family Ties
First child eats dirt. Parent calls doctor. Second child eats dirt. Parent cleans out mouth. Third child eats dirt. Parent wonders if she really needs to feed him lunch. Me:…