Stone Cold Sober October

Contrary to popular belief, we don’t drink like fish. But when Doc asks how much wine per week, I’m caught…hook, line, and drinker. “Ummm, between 2 and 20,” I mutter. “Do I still pass?”

‘Cause I’m a binger, I’m a swigger, I’m a lover, a social drinker. I play my bevvies in the sun.

The volume reflects what life throws down. Triumphs, tribulations, tomfoolery, Tuesday. It varies all the time. Throwback to that time I went nine months sober. The baby was the only one laughing.

Despite summer’s lack of thirst quenching heat, I swam the banks of River Rosé and rode packs of Mules in Moscow – frequently. This unhurried stage of middle age lends a perma-party, lack of schedule vibe, and a winenot ‘tude.

Cue Sober October and the growing trend to nip booze in the bud. Maybe it’s time to add my liver to the list of things to clean out this fall. The question remains, when does harmless fun ripen into risky drinking?

The CAGE Assessment Tool, used by health professionals, can gauge the need for a second look.

C:Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
A:Has anyone every Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
G:Have you ever felt Guilty about your drinking?
E:Have you ever needed an Eye opener to calm your nerves or relieve a hangover in the morning?

Alternatively, the Sangria Sisters Assessment Tool – JAIL is used by party people.

J:Have you ever tried to pee in a “roadie” mason Jar while riding in the back of a taxi?
A:Have you ever Assumed your night began without underwear?
I:Has anyone ever Informed you, mid-twerk, that the music ended 7 minutes ago?
L:Has Lying on the ground ever seemed like a reasonable alternative to standing and waiting for your hot dog?

Advantages of Abstinent Autumn

Improved sleepI finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me 4 days, but whatever.
Better gut healthWendy’s drive-thru staff will miss you
Reduced inflammationNo need to cut off your wedding ring
Weight lossWallet gain
Elevated mood and energy levelsLess drinking, more thinking. Clearer perspective without beer goggles.

As I lay there listening to my trashed teen hurl, then pray to the porcelain gods, a slow smile spread across my face. “Lesson learned kiddo” I think, before drifting into a peaceful, stone-cold-sober sleep.

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  1. Jodi

    So Perfect
    Can completely relate. Ja ja

  2. Rice

    -13 days and counting!

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