In the 70’s, avocado was a retro dishwasher shade that guac-ed our world. After years of obscurity, this green goddess exploded back into the limelight in the form of a Buddha Bowl. Which got us thinking, if a soft, fatty fruit can benefit from rebranding, then why not middle aged women?
One minute you’re fresh, the next you’re past your prime. In an era where youth is king, we’re rapidly aging out of the desired demographics. But why the fuck would we let others determine our shelf life?
Older broads are ripe with promise. We’re tender, yet firm in our beliefs. Pricey, but worth the bread. Raise your toast to mature women for remaining relevant. Cheers to our well-seasoned avocad-ho’s. We say lace ‘em up ladies, ‘cause baby we were born to run!
Avocado’s vs. Middle Aged Women
Avocado: Gets easily bruised when it rolls off the counter.
Seasoned Sisters: Covered with mystery bruises. At least the ‘cado knew it fell off the counter.
Avocados: Is an avo self-conscious about it’s pear shaped body? Do they consider going under the spoon for a pit removal?
Seasoned Sisters: Adds “surgical tummy tuck/gunt removal” to her Amazon wish list. Dat hass though.
Avocado: Good smashed on toast with salt and lemon.
Seasoned Sisters: Good smashed on tequila with salt and lime.
Avocado: My taut skin, vibrant colour, and perfect texture teases the eggplants across the aisle.
Seasoned Sisters: Time to show-pony life, and trot out the good shit. Wear the genuine gemstones, carry the designer bags, and drive the shit outta that sexy new whip.
Avocados: Enjoys being fondled at the store, lusting after a firm squeeze.
Seasoned Sisters: Enjoys being fondled on a plane to Paris, while the flight attendant/pool boy squeezes lemon into her G&T.
Avocado: Known as a good fat, this superfood is very healthy for you. Ask anyone south and west of Nevada…say California.
Seasoned Sisters: You want good fat, I’ll give you good fat. Pork belly is a hot commodity on the open market.
Avocados: Hangs out in the fruit bowl to ripen with brightly coloured friends.
Seasoned Sisters: Hangs out with her colourful tribe on Wine Wednesday’s to imbibe.
Avocados: Hard and inedible one minute. Overripe and mushy the next.
Seasoned Sisters: Toned, tanned hard bodies one minute – rough, spotty, pigmented the next. Preventing overripe and mushy with shmancy hydrating serums.
Avocado: Avo good one. A bit bland but improves significantly when well seasoned.
Seasoned Sisters: Are bursting with flavour from a spice called “zero guacs given!”