Health

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring…My Old Man Is Snoring

I’ve been jolted from a deep sleep more times than I can count. I’ve been kicked in the leg, punched in the shoulder, and head-butted…twice. At times, my husband’s action-packed nightmares have him fighting for his life. However, that’s not what pushed us into separate bedrooms. He snores like a chainsaw-buzzing, motorcycle-revving lawnmower.

I’ve had to roll him away from the windows so he doesn’t inhale the drapes. His snoring is intermittent, which means so is ‘our’ sleep. Occasionally I’ll dream-wrestle him back, just to get in a good kick. Wake up motherfucker! Hell hath no fury like a sleep-deprived woman.

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I never know which nasal concert will be playing at night. Fingers crossed it’s Kenny G! The combination of lip-puffing purrs and back-of-the-throat gurgles adds to my insomnia. He wakes himself up choking on his own saliva. I simply don’t have the blood alcohol level to deal with that every night.

Bedtime symphonies of staccato snorts are frustrating, but dead silence is even worse. My heart skips a beat when his heart stops beating. I’ve counted to 16 seconds before he’s come up for air. Sleep apnea masks are an alternative, but they’re only sexy with a case of Chianti and some fava beans.

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There’s a growing trend of couples sleeping solo, and it has nothing to do with sex. You shook me all night long is more about incessant snoring than bumping nasties. New homes are being designed with dual master suites, or ‘his’ and ‘hers’ bedrooms. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

How-to-stop-snoring

Sangria Wine Rack

Orifice OpusPitches Love Vibrato
Nose - blocked nasal passage, collapsed nostril.Classic: fluttering Darth Vader
Mouth breather - open mouth, relaxed jaw Common: rumbling cracked muffler
Tongue - dropping to the back of the mouth, blocking airway.High pitched: strangled bagpipe wheeze
Sleep Apnea - tissue totally blocking the passage of air.Serious: a horror movie soundtrack, followed by deafening silence.

Join the discussion

  1. Bonnie

    Can so relate to this! Hence dual master bedrooms!!

  2. Terri

    “I simply don’t have the blood alcohol level to deal with this…” Best line yet!! Also, rolling him away from the curtains was a good belly laugh! Thanks for the laughs ladies.

  3. Kendra

    OMG- I’m so flattered to be your subject matter this week! I gave my husband his own bedroom for Christmas!

  4. Dawn

    I so relate to this. I’ve learned to sleep to it if he has a good soft rhythm goin on lol

  5. Heidi

    I have to listen to my husband and my dog snore, it’s too much, I head to my girly room almost every night!

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