Break out the fat pants, the holidays are here. Other than a natural inclination to stuff the turkey with Prozac, here are our “Do’s and Don’ts” for being a good guest.
Good tonics we bring to you and your gin. Know the limits on sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. If Grandma got run over by a reindeer on her way home from rehab, showing up with six bottles of sherry isn’t sweet.
RSVP ASAP 4COL*
If you don’t RSVP, be sure to bring a chair, a sandwich, a napkin, maybe some silverware. You get the drift. Don’t stall to see if you get a better invite – you won’t. We’re the reason Santa has a naughty list.
* For Crying Out Loud
Ring the doorbell with your nose…
Because your hands are full with a gift. Could be dancing shoes and a bottle of booze. Flowers are a perennial fave, but arrive with them pre-arranged. Hostess Hell is hunting for a vase with a doorstep full of guests.
Hire a sitter for the critter
Leave Fluffy at home. Sure, your pup is priceless on the pole and your hamster is a savant on the wheel. But in some countries, they’d be dinner.
Dear Santa, I need a self-cleaning house!
It’s not a hotel. Bring your own shit, clean up your shit. Tote toiletries, strip the bed, wipe the sink. Toothpaste spray on the mirror doesn’t spell “Invite Me Back” in Braille.
Bite, chew, swallow – repeat
Picky eaters, keep it on the down low. The cook spent all day in the kitchen. If you hate peas, I don’t carrot at all. Unless you’re anaphylactic – in which case, quietly crawl away from the table and call 911.
Can you play that piano tied to your ass?
Help out. Take out empties to make room for more wine. If your offer is refused do it anyway. Take a turn chatting with the octogenarian at the table, and marvel at your new knowledge of all that can go wrong in a body.
Be the Life of the Party- not the Death of Good Taste
Keep clothing on and bodily fluids in. Take turns commandeering the Bluetooth. Be mindful…company, like fish, starts to smell after a few days. And nothing reeks more than an expired guest!
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