Elf On A Shelf – Police Blotter

Another sad story of a famous child gnome, whose top-billing went straight to his dome. His youth spent in a supporting role at the pole, eventually took a toll on the troll.

Officers responded to the call to find the elf-deprecating lad soliciting a vixen. “This fruitcake heaved on my cleave, asked to slam my clam, and offered a bauble for a hob-gobble,” alleged Holly the Hussy.

“I elfed up,” the seemingly angelic imp admitted after police illuminated the scandal by candle.

The well-known Christmas nymph claimed they had consensual nookie while baking cookies, but Holly was miffed ‘bout his gift. “I thought women adored being adorned with crown jewels,” exclaimed the Hollywood sprite.

“Good golly,” said Holly, “Aren’t you THE elf on a shelf?” She wiggled and giggled, “You must be rolling in we(elf)!”

“I’ll ask the man in red to pay the price on my head,” the elf rued. He gave Santa a jingle, and all charges were dropped. Hush money lesson learned, a (chest)nut to the gut. His publicist reports he’s getting the help he needs, building elf-confidence and doing good deeds.

Said the contrite elf, “All I wanted was a happy ending!”

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