A Small Mark Christmas Movie

Tiffany enters the scene clutching her pearls and a pumpkin spice latte. A merger and acquisition executive in the big city of Ballsack, Tiffany’s been tasked with ensuring the smooth takeover of Gnome Hardware in her hometown of Climax. And, she has only two days to close the deal!

With snow blustering sideways, Tiffany braves her way down memory lane, swiping drips of snot across her face with an angora mitten. Christmas lights strewn across store fronts accentuate the icicles on her goatee. She makes a mental note to book a celebratory wax once the deal is clinched.

At 5’2”, miniature Mark, a talented tight end in high school, suffered a career ending injury, cutting his professional fencing gig short. Fortunately, he sees just fine with his remaining eye. Mark had no choice but to return home and run the family hardware store after Grandpa got run over by a Rainier Beer truck.

Tiffany peers through the shop window at the nativity scene, when the two of them lock ‘eye’. Sparks ignite, flames rekindle, loins burn, etc, etc. Bottom line is, he’s itchin’ to feliz her navidad.

Rolling sugar cookies like the pottery scene in Ghost, this saccharine sweet plot threatens Type 2 diabetes. He slips a diamond ring on the stick finger of a snowman, expecting to ask her hand in marriage. However, the sight of mini Mark running gingerly through the Christmas tree farm gives Tiff the ick.

Mark is adamant Tiffany quit her job, move home, and breed a family of four. And he’s had it up to …well, just here, that she doesn’t know the difference between a robertson and a phillips. A dealbreaker in his eye. Frosty is no match for the warm chinook arch, and the engagement ring is lost forever.

Tiffany exclaims, “Mark, you’re a bum. You’re controlling, short sighted, and annoying AF. This snagglepuss is exiting stage left.”

Mark moves on to become an Uber driver, confident only with left turns. While Tiffany, the newly crowned princess of Monaco, is dreaming of a white chablis with every Christmas card she writes….stopping short at Mark!

Produced by the Sangria Sisters, Filmed in Ballsack, AB

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  1. Ken MacLean

    Best damn movie script I have seen since Forest Hump.

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