We’ve all been guilty of an irreversible moment known as the tipping point. It hits hard-and-fast, and the dark side always wins. By the time you’re aware of an acute level of lubrication, shame and regret are escorting you home. It’s a performance worthy of a scene.
The following documents a misdemeanor in progress. It offers no opinions, analysis or conclusions. Just the facts. The name of the suspect has not be released to protect her identity.
1. Chain of Events
a) The suspect neglected to drink water, hydrate, or slow her weapon of choice.
b) The contents of her stomach reveal no food was consumed prior to the assault.
c) The bartender reported she launched with a martini, dove into wine, and alternated with shots.
d) The repeat offender attempted to bark, drink-for-drink, with the big dogs. Some people never learn.
Objection, that’s forming an opinion.
2. Photograph and document the scene
Victim Statement: Yes sir, occifer (hic), I took a shit-ton of pictures tonight. In my defense, the Prosecco kept slurring in my ear, “You look beautiful, take a selfie to prove it. I…I trusted her.”
Police Report – Exhibit A: Photos apprehended from the suspect’s camera phone indicate a drunken downward spiral.
3. Digital evidence
Victim Statement: I have no recollection of posting to Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. The last thing I remember is texting my husband I was out with the girls, and should be home shortly.
Police Report – Exhibit B: Promises of sexual favours sent to her husband which she clearly wasn’t conscious to carry out.
4. Secure the area
Victim Statement: The tipping point happens when my vertical hold short-circuits. The room, and everything in it, roll upwards like film credits at the end of a movie.
Police Report – Exhibit C: The suspect displayed nausea with a touch of panic. She frantically searched for the nearest exit, but settled for a piece of porcelain.
5. Biological evidence
Victim Statement: How can a salad not be digested eight hours after eating?
Police Report – Exhibit D: The recovered remains contained trace amounts of Spinach, Arugula, and Sundried Tomato.
6. Collect evidence
Victim Statement: Someone stole my boots! I took them off to coyote ugly on the bar, and they disappeared.
Police Report – Exhibit E: Coat, purse, cell phone and footwear were found scattered near the scene.
7. Exclude all unauthorized personnel from the scene
Victim Statement: Never underestimate the luxury of being at home when you’ve reached your tipping point. The alternative is a public bathroom stall.
Police Report – Exhibit F: In cases like this, the less witnesses the better.
8. Toxicology report
Inconclusive. The suspect pleaded not guilty. She claimed she didn’t trip, rather the floor looked sad, and needed a hug.
Here’s to the nights we can hardly remember…with the friends we could never forget!
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