1. I save my carbs for wine. It’s called priorities
After complaining to a friend about my dimpled arms, he grabbed a handful of loose skin and said, “Here’s the problem, you have zero muscle mass.” My triceps were so upset, they slumped for a week.
2. I started a new workout routine. Everyday I do diddly-squats
When a dude suggests you learn how to iron, you listen… Muscle up buttercup stung, so I joined the ‘Ladies Who Lift’. My fear of bulking up through weights was mocked by my actual bulkiness.
3. You know you’re out of shape when you can’t pull shopping carts apart
If you haven’t strength trained in years you quickly learn curbs are too high and toilets are too low. Two days after is Guantanamo Bay torture. Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
4. I want to be a bad-ass with a good ass
I have drawers full of unused fitness CD’s and videos. On the bright side, I can hang three loads of laundry from my Bowflex.
5. If I ever had to run for my life I’d probably die
Endorphins my ass…
6. I don’t jog, it makes the wine jump out of my glass
I never sweat, but when I do, it smells like Sauvignon Blanc.
7. I want buns of steel, but I want buns of cinnamon more
The Sisters are made of sugar and spices…with maybe one or two vices.
8. The gym is a sausage fest
I was never a fan of leotards and tights, or as I call them, sausage casings. I prefer an over-sized tee and buffet waistband sweats. I rue the day mommy’s got yummy.
9. I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio
Sometimes I fart when I exert myself. My trainer said that’s normal, but he no longer looks me in the eye.
10. How many glasses have I earned?
Research conducted by the U of A found a glass of red wine is equivalent to one hour at the gym. The study, funded by an anonymous party in Calgary, opened a lot of corks. You’re welcome!
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