Why I’ll Never Have A Rock-Hard Body

1. I save my carbs for wine. It’s called priorities

After complaining to a friend about my dimpled arms, he grabbed a handful of loose skin and said, “Here’s the problem, you have zero muscle mass.” My triceps were so upset, they slumped for a week.

2. I started a new workout routine. Everyday I do diddly-squats

When a dude suggests you learn how to iron, you listen… Muscle up buttercup stung, so I joined the ‘Ladies Who Lift’. My fear of bulking up through weights was mocked by my actual bulkiness.

3. You know you’re out of shape when you can’t pull shopping carts apart

If you haven’t strength trained in years you quickly learn curbs are too high and toilets are too low. Two days after is Guantanamo Bay torture. Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

4. I want to be a bad-ass with a good ass

I have drawers full of unused fitness CD’s and videos. On the bright side, I can hang three loads of laundry from my Bowflex.

5. If I ever had to run for my life I’d probably die

Endorphins my ass…

6. I don’t jog, it makes the wine jump out of my glass

I never sweat, but when I do, it smells like Sauvignon Blanc.

7. I want buns of steel, but I want buns of cinnamon more

The Sisters are made of sugar and spices…with maybe one or two vices.

8. The gym is a sausage fest

I was never a fan of leotards and tights, or as I call them, sausage casings. I prefer an over-sized tee and buffet waistband sweats. I rue the day mommy’s got yummy.


9. I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio

Sometimes I fart when I exert myself. My trainer said that’s normal, but he no longer looks me in the eye.

10. How many glasses have I earned?

Research conducted by the U of A found a glass of red wine is equivalent to one hour at the gym. The study, funded by an anonymous party in Calgary, opened a lot of corks. You’re welcome!

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  1. Karen Hawkes

    You know what poster I like! Made me laugh. Karen

  2. Tracey Saunders

    Motivation poster – awesome – so me !!!

  3. Emily Hughes

    Laughed all the way through this! Thanks ladies! Really having a hard time…my body is going south fast, in what I’ve determined is peri-menopause. I lack motivation & I have a ravenous appetite. Just back from a spa-cation…sat in a variety of saunas, got massages, facials etc & had a consultation w/ the in-house naturopath, about my concerns and these changes. Nursing a glass of vino as I type and I’ve forgotten almost everything the naturopath recommended.

    • Sangria Sisters

      It’s ironic we didn’t recognize what cute little bodies we had when we were younger! Thanks for the spa tip Emily. We’re worth the small fortune!

  4. Emily Hughes

    P.S – Highly recommend Sparkling Hill Resort & Spa in the Okanagan. Worth every penny of the small fortune it’ll cost you.

  5. Dawn

    Hahahahahaha that is so true and awesome girls. The pics are perfect. I love Miss Piggy. “Lets get physica”l outfit LOL Just tried HOT YOGA almost died. Not doin that no more. Anyways luv ya’s.

  6. Jodi

    So funny. Love this one

  7. Joanne

    I had to buy bigger panties because my old ones were cutting off circulation to my legs. They were thongs.
    Can’t find a fuck to give.

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