Why The Hell Can’t I Sleep?

1. Chip crumbs keep cutting into my skin.

2. I heard a noise and must quickly decide which household weapon to wield. Do I have enough time to plug in the curling iron and let it warm up?

3. My afternoon nap ran about two hours too long.

4. Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey…

5. My nightie strangles me whenever I roll over. That flannel bitch had to die.

6. Those five slices of pizza right before bed just aren’t sitting right.

7. Curled up on the floor with my new dance partner. She has alabaster skin and a porcelain personality.

8. Woke up to my kid whispering REDRUM in my ear.

9. Designed a delicious menu in the winter…for a summer soirée.

10. A fixation with late night telethons after indulgent evenings. I’ve wept (and donated) to children’s hospitals, malaria outbreaks, and once woke up with a ‘daughter’ in Ecuador.

11. When we were little, Mom put rollers in our hair and made us sleep on them.

12. The slow realization that you’re not floating in the hot springs…you’re actually lying in a pool of your own sweat.

13. The best part of Silence of the Lambs was on when I staggered home at 1:00 a.m. Buffalo Bill wore a meat dress before Lady Gaga.

14. Bon Jovi woke me because I was snoring. If I hurry back to sleep, we can pick up where we left off.

15. I can’t stop dreaming about all the trauma surgeries I have to scrub in on, after binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy.

16. Melatonin, the natural way to stay wide awake.

17. Can’t afford a memory foam mattress. I need something a little more forgetful.

18. Constantly on the run from a serial killer chasing me through blocks of abandoned warehouses. He likes his women like he likes his beer…no head.

19. Looking for names I recognize on Ashley Madison.

20. Searing gastrointestinal distress from Taco Tuesday.

21. An inclination to sleep with a blanket on, even when it’s +30 in my bedroom.

22. I don’t mind the dog sleeping on my bed…but does he have to wear my pajamas.


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  1. Ken MacLean

    Totally made my day. Ironically, had a terrible sleep. Point #18 actually.

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