Nostalgia has a flair for tenderizing rough patches from our memories. Granted, my unlined face and elevated ass are fondly remembered by many, but truth be told, our glory days are NOW!
1. When you’re young, a missed period sets off five alarm fire bells. Nowadays, an honorable discharge from the uterine navy is celebrated. Use the surplus savings from sanitary supplies to stock your wine cellar.
2. No more Baby Duck or Mateus. No more Blow Jobs or Sex on the Beach. No more panty remover purges. Not by the hair of my (lemon) ginny gin gin.
3. Having trouble getting up after a Netflix binge? Exertion farts aren’t ladylike, but handled properly, will help propel you off the couch.
4. In the 80’s, Jane Fonda taught us to feel the burn. These days, my favourite pose is lying motionless in savasana. It’s no longer about tightening my ass, it’s about keeping my head out of it.
5. Welcome to your tankini years. Pressure to squeeze you, me, and the double D’s into a bikini are a thing of the past, because nobody gives a fuck. Flowered swim caps are still a-ok for girls who wanna have fun.
6. Over time you learn to separate who would take a bullet for you, and who you can let go. Weed out the drama queens and shit disturbers; surround yourself with women who have your back.
7. As we age and collagen decreases, our skin gets thinner. The irony is this mental maturity blesses us with thicker skin.
8. No more perms, mullets, crimping irons, or backcombed bangs. I’m lucky I didn’t light up like a roman candle every time I lit a menthol!
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