1. Don’t put your money where your mouth is, that’s gross.
2. No nudie pics into cyberspace, unless you’re cool with Uncle Wayne stargazing Uranus.
3. Ditch the open-toe sandals if your talons can swoop out of the sky and snatch dinner from the lake.
4. Don’t cross your legs when you sit. It’s hard on your heart, and flattens your ass.
5. Unless your unsolicited parenting advice is recommending wine that pairs well with toddler tantrums, shut your piehole.
6. Don’t presume you can outwit, outplay, outlast the kids in a game of beer pong.
7. Avoid Superstore rush hour road rage, or you’ll find yourself stress-farting your way down the incontinence aisle.
8. Don’t lie about your age, impress people with it.
1. Use a water based lubricant. The old grey mare, she ain’t what she used to be.
2. If your cup is half full, splurge on a new bra. The girls deserve a cushy home.
3. Treat a hangover to white tray buns with melted Velveeta, the polyester of dairy products.
4. Reply yay or nay to an RSVP event. Leave ghosting for the dating apps.
5. Light candles and enjoy a relaxing bubble bath for two. You and your wine!
6. Embrace the “good enough” stage of aging. You can’t buy this no-fucks confidence in your youth.
7. Strut a tankini down the poolside catwalk. Jiggly bits and stretch marks be damned.
8. Wear mineral based sunscreen. It’s why God invented bronzers.
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