Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Woman

He: Exactly how many men have you been with?
She: Hahaha, no.

He: Talk dirty to me.
She: I haven’t washed my bra in weeks.

He: Why watch cooking shows if you can’t cook?
She: Why watch porn?

He: You sound like your mother.
She: Don’t be a dick.

He: I bought you a treadmill for your birthday.
She: Why isn’t your wallet as thick as my thighs?

He: What do you do all day?
She: My alone time is for everyone’s safety.

He: Oh, relax.
She: Tension is the only thing holding me together.

He: How much do you weigh?
She: One hundred and sexy five.

He: Was it good for you?
She: If you’re a bad boy who’s a good man, then yes.

He: Hey baby, how about you and me doing that?
She: Like my pinkie toe, I’ll bang you on the table some day.

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  1. Ken MacLean

    A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius.

    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
    distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
    flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
    Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
    such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
    undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
    the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
    these problems, but to no avail.
    What can I do?


    Dear Desperate,
    “First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.. Please enter command: I thought
    you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6..2 and do not forget to
    install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
    Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
    and Flowers 3.5.

    However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
    1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
    Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
    Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
    Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
    eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
    In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
    program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
    memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
    buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
    recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck!”

    Tech Support

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