Dear Mother-In-Law

After my son’s dental surgery, his girlfriend and I fussed over him, quietly competing for who loves him most. Mother-in-law clashes are customary, but for the first time I walked in her shoes. MIL’s are like wine. Sweet, fruity, dry, nutty, complex… and the reason you drink.

Over the years, our friends have shared hilarious mother-in-law stories. They range from angels, to ogres, to crazy as fuck. The following is a takeaway of the lessons we’ve learned, and the ones we’ll do our damnedest not to repeat.

✿ I’ll accept that I’m no longer your No. 1 girl.

✿ When I see I’ve hit a nerve, I won’t keep pounding it in.

✿ Why is your mother-in-law buried 18 feet down instead of 6 feet under? Because deep down she’s a very nice person.

✿ I will NEVER bleach your period panties…with or without your consent.

✿ I won’t lick the spoon and put it back in the pot (except when you’re not looking).

✿ I won’t raise my empty cocktail glass above my head, shaking the cubes vigorously whenever I need a four-finger refresher.

✿ I’ll never ask how much you weigh when we chat on the phone.

✿ Some say: my mother-in-law is an angel. Others say: you’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

✿ I love my mother-in-law, but I haven’t spoken to her in years. It’s not a fight. I just don’t like to interrupt her.

✿ I won’t question the divorce and my rights to see the children…when you’re still happily married.

✿ I won’t repeatedly mention how much I loved his old girlfriend.

✿ I won’t comment how tired you look. EVERY time I see you.

✿ Even if I have a favourite grandchild, no one will ever know.

✿ When it comes to disciplining your children, I’ll keep my opinions to myself. After all, toddlers are assholes.

✿ If you don’t have anything nice to say…you must be my mother-in-law.


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  1. Ken Maclean

    My mother in law always really wanted a son so I have only good things to say!

  2. Bonnie

    Haha!! I am lucky too Ken! I have a wonderful daughter-inlaw!

  3. Lisa

    Here’s to bat shit crazy! *Bonus* Clearly outlining what not to do

  4. Dawn

    I fuckin love it hahahahahahahahaha I think I’ll love mine if its the same girl as present LMAO…but ya never know, she just might say the wrong thing to me and then watch out…the rath of Dawn will definitely show :O

  5. Catherine

    Great piece! I remember being compared to the ex who looked like Morgan Fairchild. I vow to be the best MIL ever….. but we’ll see. Loved the wedding invite.

  6. Joanne

    How would you like to be told when I need a top up??
    Chinka chinka is self explanatory.

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