Lifestyle

Cut the crap

I have CDO.
It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order…
…as they should be.

The late, great Joan Rivers was famous for her no holds barred brand of humor. Over the span of her career, she meticulously organized her collection of over one million jokes into cabinets filled with three-by-five cards. She quipped that the hardest part of categorizing by subject was whether they should be filed under ugly or dumb.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Her: I despise clutter. I’m not saying my house is clean, but it is organized. Everything has a home, and I know where to look for it. My compulsion prohibits me from displaying knick-knacks, paddywhacks, or spoon collections. If there are more than two fridge magnets I feel claustrophobic.

Me: I clean up by shoving things into drawers and closets. I misplaced my wedding ring for over a year, only to strike gold treasure hunting in my own closet. Nine out of ten times when I can’t find something, it’s because I actually put it away. I’ve lost my mind, my shit, and my marbles.

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Does this clutter make my butt look fat?
Her: I’d stay in my skivvies all day if getting dressed caused me stress. My closets are streamlined, color coded, and categorized by dress, casual, stay-at-home, and don’t even think of answering the door. A clean closet deters the monsters from taking up residence.

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Me: I have a closet full of clothes, but can’t find anything to wear. Color coordinating a wardrobe bores the pants off me, and a messy closet helps hide the skeletons. I’m a sucker for anything with sentimental value. Prom dresses from junior high and high school hang beside my two wedding dresses. I’ll save that story for another day…

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If you can fold a fitted sheet, you’re obviously a witch.
Her: I feel physically and mentally lighter when I purge items from my fridge, closet, or basement. I love storage bins, baskets, shoe racks, key holders and drawer dividers. A label maker has me giddy with possibilities.

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Me: I have a label maker, I just don’t know where. It paralyzes me to throw shit away for fear I may need it again. I’m emotionally attached to useless paraphernalia, like my sizable collection of albums, CD’s, and 8-track tapes. Any item of questionable value goes to the basement to die. Sometimes I’d rather light a match than sift through the rubble.

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Her: I’m thankful for my Type A husband, who shares my love of an uncluttered home. Filers should not marry pilers. Martha fucking Stewart has nothing on me.

Me: The house was clean, then the kids woke up. My family doesn’t close doors, drawers, or toilet seats. It’s like shoveling in the middle of a snowstorm. I’m not a slob, and if I know in advance that you’re coming over, the house will be spotless. Just don’t look in the closets…

Sangria Wine Rack

Buy new...Good-quality matching hangers. You’re not Mommy Dearest.Jewelry organizer to avoid necklace knots and misplaced rings.Folders for receipts, ripped out magazine pages, and the paper trail behind you.
Get rid of...Ziploc container lids that have divorced their bottoms. They’re not getting back together.Old cell phones, dated electronics and broken appliances. A VHS player is not considered an antique.Expired drugs and vitamins (unless it’s the good stuff).
Limit your number of...Plastic grocery bags.
Safeway is running low.
Crafting materials and supplies.‘When I lose 10 lbs.’ garments. Styles change quickly.
Why do you have...So many coffee mugs.Magazines older than the ones in your doctor’s office.Affluenza: how much shit do you need?

Tunes you should have on your iPod:
Vance Joy ✸ Mess Is Mine
Taylor Dayne ✿ I’ll Be Your Shelter
Talking Heads ✤ Burning Down The House

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  1. Emily Hughes

    Read this over morning coffee. Laughed & related. My bedroom currently looks like, that of a 16 year old girl’s. I have a cleaning lady who comes occasionally and I’ll be tidying some today, so she doesn’t think I’m a total slob, when she comes tomorrow morning.

    • Sangria Sisters

      That’s funny! I just got a cleaning lady and spent an hour last night tidying up for this morning. Thus the reason for shoving things into closets and drawers!

  2. Captain Mac (aka: Scott Mac or Mr. Her)

    Definition of Type A: The theory describes “Type A” individuals as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities hate both delays and ambivalence.

    That sounds mostly like me, but add a positive trait(s) and then you have me to a “T”

  3. Val MacLean

    You still have good hair Captain Mac. That’s positive!

    Love,
    Your sister-in-law.

  4. Karen

    I’ m torn- who would I choose as a roommate? – if I had to . . .

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