Words of Wisdom To My 10-Year-Old Self

1. If I could speak to my 10-year-old self, I’d say buckle up girl. Life can take you out at the knees, Tonya Harding style. But you have the strength to hobble up and keep skating. With a lifetime of pink plateaus to push through, start training for the podium now.

2. Condoms prevent minivans.

3. Slather moisturizer on your neck, elbows, and knees or they’ll go all pachyderm on you.

4. It will come as a shock, but nobody has all their shit together. People who live in glass houses have bodies hidden all over the basement.

5. Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.

6. The love-hate relationship with your boobs will last a lifetime. Buds don’t develop fast enough, they’re too big, too small, lopsided, painful before periods, engorged with milk, chafed by underwire. In the long run, they all end up in a downhill slide.

7. If you rest for too long, you’ll rust.

8. Like the Russian figure skating judge, your confidence is nyet willing to award top marks, but you deserve an 8.5.

9. Back pain is a direct result of youth leaving your body. Side effects may include screen-o-vision, tech neck, and streaming spine.

10. Your drinking prowess will eventually turn on you. If you presumed you’d outgrow Children’s Pedialyte, guess again.

11. Close your legs like a lady when sitting in a dress (see photo evidence).

12. Good things happen to those who go out and fucking earn it!

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