Entertainment

If Rona Doesn’t Take You Out…Can I?

What’s a girl to do when she’s single, vintage, and hasn’t dated in 30 years? Not only have we been living in a tomb, Mummy’s dating skills are downright archaic. If Cleopatra weren’t living in denial, she’d realize there are plenty of Pharaohs in the sea.

Meet Shiela, as she reluctantly tiptoes back into the lion’s den. This round, the goddess is vying for keys to the entire fucking kingdom. The hieroglyphics from her inaugural dating profile proclaim the writing’s on the wall.

Shiela 53

Profession:

Stay At Home Mom to full grown adults

Preferences:

Looking for a negative partner: Pregnancy, PCR, STD

Full face makeup is reserved for fine dining only.

Lingerie is too scratchy. Lace has been replaced with breathable cotton, and breasts so free, caged birds would be jealous.

The only thing hairless is my cat, but will shave for The Fairmont (three night minimum).

Location:

Living room…with late night strays to the kitchen

Favourite Song:

Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille

Hobbies:

Wordle
Zumba
Raised bed herb gardener (Shiela likes home grown)

Traits:

Hormonal
Borderline neurosis
Self-deprecating humour

Likes:

Siamese cats
Pure gold
Her handheld showerhead

Dislikes:

Vegans
Her Ex’s 32-year-old girlfriend
A short pour on her pina colada

Go-To Outfit:

Costco lulu’s
High school hair
Oversize Michael Kors bag

Preferred Protection:

XL Trojans and an N95


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