Gardening For Dirty Hoes and Bro’s

Where my hoes at? Mother Nature here, and I’m thirsting for a hot girl summer in the seedy part of your garden. Turn up the beet, ‘cause it’s party thyme!

The only action I got during dormancy was freestyling in the backcountry with a few ski bums. It’s been a while since I pruned the bush, or had my garden plowed. I’m so thorny, I can’t wait to get into your plants.

You’ve all been busy binge-eating-drinking-streaming-exercising, sobering up and Marie Kondo cleaning. It’s time to get your fingers dirty.

Pull on your daisy dukes (hot plants never went out of style) and prepare to bend it like Beckham. Limber up those hammies first. The crouching tiger, hidden snap-dragon position left me sore from my head to-ma-toes.

No worries if you don’t have a green thumb, loam wasn’t built in a day. Try not to pine for your neighbour’s perky hydrangeas. On my first attempt at a rock garden, three of them died. Hosta la vista baby!

My hope is you nurture a soul garden. Plant kindness, harvest love, give peas a chance. A little encourage-mint goes a long way. Get busy toiling on your own turf, and you won’t notice whose grass is greener. The following sage advice is designed to bring you good chives only. Best of luck this season, I’m rooting for you!


1. Watering while away on vaycay – soak plants first, then fill an empty wine bottle (or two) with water – jam the bottleneck down into the soil. It draws as it needs to.

2. Fertilizer doesn’t coax brown dormant lawns into waking up. Only ground temperature does that. Feed (me seymour) shortly before the first time it needs mowing.

3. Water root bound plants every day or give them more space to grow. Roots should be scored (separated) roughly when transplanting, loosen like you scrunch your hair. I’m sexy and I grow it!

4. Fill the bottom of deep planters with empty bottles or cans. Line half way, then top up the other half with soil. Allows for excellent drainage and you don’t need as much dirt. Can you dig it?

5. Save your eggshells – crush them up and put them in your plant pots or hostas. They’re good nutrients and keep the slugs out. Plants be like ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive.

6. Cracking the fertilizer nutrients code (i.e. 10:15:20)

Nitrogen – first number – the higher the nutrients, the better for foliage and grass.
Phosphorus – middle number – the higher the nutrients the better for blooming.
Potassium – last number – helps with overall strength, wards off heat, cold, pest, disease.

7. Support plant parenthood: water your plants first thing in the morning or at night. If you water mid-day, the roots will rise and burn. Oopsie daisy.

8. Stick a (plastic) fork in it, tine side up to keep the cats and squirrels away.

Join the discussion

  1. Ken MacLean

    Bound to be a reading classic for the urgering gardener. Man, puns are touch.

  2. Bonnie

    Hey girls. Thanks for the tips! I am trying g to figure out how to keep my hostas from freezing! They were teased out of the ground with our 25 to 30 degree weather only to be slammed by frost and snow. Poor hostas.

  3. julie roper

    I’m crying with laughter – saved my tears to water the plants!
    Thanks “luscious” ladies!

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