Red Wine Is A Hater 🍷

I love red wine, so why doesn’t it love me back?

More than two glasses and I’m down. Down to clown that is, which are big shoes to fill. My cheeks flush a deep shade of hot-head-red. I encourage strangers to check out my big top. I randomly yell “blow me,” but that’s the helium talking.

It’s not just me. Many women are burdened by this hardship. Maybe it’s age, or maybe humans are designed with a max capacity shutoff valve. Seems like I’ve been corked at 568 bottles.

How do I live without grape juice? A rich Chianti satisfies my appetite, grazie Antonio. A sexy French Bordeaux warms you all the way down. A sultry Argentine Malbec whispers, “it takes two to tango.”

I’ve tried everything to please it. I trained a Bordeaux Collie to fetch me wine. I invented a grape for incontinence called Pinot More. I hail a Cab (Sauv) when it’s time to go home. How Merlot can I go?

Red wine hasn’t been kind to me, yet I continue to seek its approval. I’ve hurled my foot to the floor to slow the spinners. A cork prematurely ejected and bruised my chin. I’ve abdicated my warm throne for a nap on a cold tile floor.

So why do I keep going back to the well? Because it’s intoxicating, the fountain of youth, and makes me fucking hilarious. It’s a sophisticated buzz that no one questions. Lord knows I’ve never been accused of being a cork tease!

Sangria "Red" Wine Rack

Why the bitchin’ headache?
● Histamines cause headaches, puffiness, and newborn baby rat eyes.
● Too many histamines are bad in bed, making for a shitty sleep.

The terrible tannins
● Wines with more intense colors tend to be bolder with higher tannins.
● Tannins dry out the kisser. Cotton-mouth indicates higher tannins.

Airing it out
● Decanting for 20-30 minutes make a $20 bottle taste $20 better.
● Darker wines have higher tannins and need more time to breathe. Lighter-bodied reds such as Pinot Noir need less time.

Maroon-Stained Teeth
● Cheese please. Hard cheese fights staining by coating the teeth with calcium.
● Brush your teeth before dinner.

How to remove red wine stains
● Gently blot the stain to absorb as much as possible. Never rub.
● Don’t use printed cocktail napkins to clean it up.
● Sprinkle with any one of the following: club soda, baking soda, salt, white wine. Vacuum the salt.
● After treating the stain, rinse with fresh cool water.