THE EARLY YEARS
Before any of us actually have sex, a whole era is devoted to beating around the bush. Heavy petting, steamy makeouts, and olympic-level dry humping are the main event, not the pre-game show.
Girls are enamoured with the slow dance of romance, while boys can’t wait to give ‘er the sliver. When you finally round third base, the two minute lust and thrust leaves us yearning for those foreplay days.
Passion, it turns out, is wasted on the young. They’ve got the right equipment, just no clue how to operate it.
THE BABY YEARS
After years of wrapping it before tapping it, flipping the switch to baby-making mode is a full-on mind bend. Suddenly, sex has a job.
Once the kids arrive, makin’ bacon gets put on the back burner. Between busy schedules and the constant threat of tiny humans barging in, romance is replaced with quickies. Only now the horizontal mambo means an afternoon nap.
Turns out, passion belongs to adults. They’ve got the skills, they’re just too tired to use them.
MIDLIFE
Ever since I said “I do,” there’s a lot of things I don’t. After 20+ years, sex becomes somewhat optional. Like being hungry for a sandwich but not wanting to assemble it.
After “the pause” hits, hot and bothered stops being sexy and starts sounding like a thermostat issue. And hey, Mr. Impatient, maybe try going down a waterslide that isn’t wet and see how that goes.
At this stage, we’ve got all the tools and the instruction manual, they’re just a little dusty.
THE SENIOR YEARS
No one wants to picture their parents getting frisky, but in the Palm Springs circuit, it’s not just the squirrels burying nuts.
Turns out, the twilight years come with a surprisingly active social calendar. A little flirting on the green, a little “best ball” after dark, these seniors are still in the game.
In retirement homes, the odds are in the ladies’ favour, with some looking to scratch that 75-year-old itch. Sure, the tools are a little tarnished, but hey, they get the job done.
Now get up off the couch…and go make yourself that sandwich!
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