Kindergarten Election Guide: Vote Now or Cry Later

Listen up children, today’s lesson is on VOTING! Elections allow you to weigh in on important issues, such as snacks, naptime, crafts, and foreign policy. Our classroom’s going to get political while respecting each other’s opinions. Isn’t that right, Timmy?!

We’re about to elect a new classroom president, so let’s meet our candidates – Dick and Jane! As always, raise your hand when you wish to speak. Now, let’s look at their party platforms and make informed choices.

ECONOMY

🔺 Jane wants to build affordable housing for her Barbie constituents. Skipper and her 50-year mortgage can mature together.

🔹 Dick wants to build a pipeline under the sand box to safely transport his Tonka trunks.

HEALTHCARE

🔺 Jane will provide dental coverage for the lifetime of your baby teeth.

🔹 Dick wants to privatize access to bandaids and pedialyte.

IMMIGRATION

🔺 Jane has an open gate policy, all are welcome in her playground. She may even subsidize you.

🔹 Dick wants to put a cap on classroom size, and kids outside the neighbourhood.

REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS

🔺 Jane will have Plan B vending machines installed in every bathroom.

🔹 Dick was dangerously close to being an abortion, so he’s obviously against it.

FOREIGN POLICY

🔺 Jane has a history of taxing tantrums for anyone residing West of the monkey bars.

🔹 Dick was caught on a hot mic calling the principal a fuckwad.

GENDER EQUALITY

🔺  Jane supports her stuffed teddy bear who identifies as a grizzly.

🔹  Dick insists all teddy’s be sewn with gender normative genitals.

DEFENSE

🔺 Jane plans to ramp-up military spending to include scrap paper airplanes.

🔹 Dick wants to build a wall along the south side of the playground.

Whoever the class votes to lead our student body, remember, we’re stronger when we’re unified. Collaborate, play nice with other school districts, and stand up to bullies. So, what have we learned here today, children? If you want to be heard, make a choice, then use your voice!

VOTE!