Will We Ever Get Back To F**king Normal?

Almost a full year into fattening the curve, it’s getting tougher to envision an end. My social life hasn’t been this bleak since my wallflower days at the junior high dance. When life simplified overnight, us busy beavers (who give a dam) were forced to embrace a snail’s pace.

As the two week recess grew into a life-altering lockdown, we can’t help but wonder. What pandemic behaviours will be cemented in society, and what will become a thing of the past?

1. Will sleeping your way to the top take on new meaning if everyone works from home?

2. Will you be able to buy a barely used dog, treadmill, x-country skis, e-bike, weights, at bargain basement prices?

3. Will anyone ever crave alone time again? (Parents of kids aged 0-10 not included).

4. Will blowing out birthday candles crash and burn? The Sisters recommend rinsing with alcohol before and after eating cake.

5. Will groom’s still flick their bride’s garter to a group of socially distanced guests? Masks have replaced the hallowed hanging spot off the rear view mirror.

6. Will parents teach their children to politely make eye contact when bumping elbows? We say fuck handshakes, let’s bring the curtsy back.

7. Will grocery shoppers be doomed to eat mooshy produce because they can no longer squeeze, knock, or fondle?

8. Will we be able to spit-sing the ‘ol pandemic fave “I Will Survive” on karaoke night?

9. Will we ever be tanned in January?

10. Will pants be mandatory again?

11. Will calendars still exist if there’s nothing but an echo?

12. Will slippers replace heels? Pandemic fashion says we don’t need waistbands when athleisure wear has our back.

13. After a year of no action, will my holes close up? 👂

14. Will we want to peacock with a fresh blowout and full makeup just to walk the grocery aisle runway?

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