Welcome athletes! On this sunny summer day, the Sangria Sisters are about to embark on their inaugural run for the podium at the Ole Lady ‘Limpics. Live coverage is provided by Voltaren, a proud sponsor of old people everywhere. Let the games begin!
Target Shooting
A valiant pickleball lunge threatened to sideline Val’s hammy, placing her on the injury reserve list. With lengthy strolls eliminated, a 3-point parallel park job is compulsory. Marks are deducted when one hubcap grinds against the curb, resulting in a disappointing final score of 6.7
Hurdles
Keen eyesight, assisted by +3.25 lenses, spot an open table across a crowded restaurant patio. Dodging past the hostess stand, they hipcheck a young wait party, beeline through a maze of tables, and clamber their asses into plastic wicker chairs. Mimosas at the finish line!
Wrestling
The Sisters grab dresses from the sale rack, unaware of the design’s high degree of difficulty. Lori tags out Val, who’s flailing in the dressing room, half-nelsoned by a twisty inner camisole. Ten minutes, and one dislocated shoulder later, they end the match without being (stick) pinned.
Race Walking
It dons on the sisters, Tuesday is senior’s day at the Bay! During the final lap of the shoe department, their competitive fire is lit when a lineup is forming at the till. Arms pumping and hips a-swivelling, they turn up the heat in a down to the wire sprint to the cashier finish-line.
Weightlifting
Despite a poor start, all eyes are on Val as she maintains a strong core (thanks Lycra), and good form. Her biceps bulging with weighty purchases, this successful shopping comeback is the Cinderella story we all needed. Two squats later, the bags are deadlifted into the trunk. Latch snatched, it’s a clean jerk, and we’re off to the podium.
Parallel Bars
Hydration is a key element of athleticism. Unable to choose between side-by-side watering holes, the girls fiercely compete in adjacent imbibement. After a personal balancing best for sticking the landing upon dismount, it’s GOLD all around!
*Addendum* Lori is still a national treasure, despite the doping scandal that stripped her of her gold medal.
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was well represented, great job sistas
Thanks brother! If we’ve learned anything at this age, it’s just keep swimming! ❤