I’m used to my guy’s eyes glazing over by my long-winded rambling. I like sharing soap opera details, he prefers the highlight reel. If he’s glued to the TV and I’m jabbering, all he hears is Charlie Brown’s teacher wah waaah wah. When he tunes back in, his eyes say 1) get to the point, 2) get naked, or 3) get out of the way.
By nature, women are more complex than men. It’s calculus vs. simple math. All our fellas want is a little respect, and to be left in peace. They’ll settle for sex, supper, and sports. Men take great pride in [unsolicited] problem solving. The trick is to listen, smile, nod, and then do whatever the hell you were gonna do anyway.
Judging by pills, pumps, and stretch ads, not all men are created equal. Black male scams prey on girth insecurity. Sex is like air. It’s not important until you’re not getting any. Show some enthusiasm when Big Dick and the twins roll into town. A man’s measure of success is: I came, I saw, I conquered. Hopefully not in that order.
Men weren’t born with crystal balls. They don’t have ESP, unless it’s followed by N. Most dudes struggle to pick up obvious, let alone subtle hints. Consequently, behind every angry gal stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong. It’s a guy-lemma. Men, don’t laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
In the past, affairs were the official mascot of a midlife crisis. The aftermath of sucking in their gut too long blew the hair clean off their head. These days, family is the ultimate status symbol. Bromances are more popular than mistresses. Bro’s before hoes, balls before dolls, junk before trunk. The world is their urinal…
Sangria Wine Rack
| Then ~ Midlife Crisis | Now ~ Manopause |
|---|---|
| Dress shirt unbuttoned to his sternum | Junior sized t-shirt |
| Gold chain (with an eagle) and a pinky ring | Rolex watch and leather wrist bands |
| Corvette | Porsche |
| Speedos… a.k.a. banana hammocks | Board shorts slung at a 45 degree belly angle |
| Burly chest hair and pornstache | Manscapes hair from brows to balls |
| Biceps, tricep, abs | Yoga |
| Pants so tight they show his religion | True Religion jeans |
| Combover, toupee, ponytail | Hair plugs, ball cap, shaved down to the wood |
| T-bone steak - medium rare | Sushi and sashimi |
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