😎 You’ll stop chasing bad boys and start chasing grams of protein.
💤 Back pain isn’t from sleeping funny. It’s youth quietly packing its bags.
🍆 If you thought dry spells were lengthy when you’re single, wait ‘til you’re married with children.
🪮 Dry shampoo is a socially acceptable surrender.
🔦 You’re not the only one who doesn’t have their life together. Some people just have better lighting.
🧂 One day you’ll read sodium labels like crime reports. Breaking: a salt with a deadly weapon.
🥧 Grab a piece of the pie. Metaphorically. And also literally.
🦵 If you don’t nurture your elbows and knees, they’ll unionize and strike without notice.
🔞 Your drinking prowess will atrophy. Use Children’s Pedialyte to co-parent early morning activities.
🍷 Wash your face every damn night. Even when you’re shitfaced. Especially then.
🌮 Fad diets don’t work. Neither do taco cleanses. You’ll lose nothing but dignity.
🚔 The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
