1. Dear Husband: I can make your wife scream louder than you. Sincerely, Spider
2. Getting roofied. If I’m going to lay motionless during sex, I’d prefer it to be with my husband.
3. Donald Trump as president and leader of the free world.
4. Invasive dental drilling. Or getting drilled [without knowledge] by a deviant dentist.
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full.
One for my sister,
One for the dame,
And one for the evil clown
Who lives down the drain.
6. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
7. Going down. [On a plane, pervs. Get your head out of the gutter].
8. Chiropractic neck adjustments aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
9. Convinced I had a bottle of wine chilling at home, I drove right past the liquor store. I was wrong. Insert blood-curdling scream here.
10. She was afraid of heights, but she was much more afraid of never flying.
11. Hitting a wild animal on the highway, not wanting it to suffer, and having to finish it off with my 7 iron.
12. Following semi-trucks carrying metal pipes or wooden logs.
13. Confrontation. Until recently when menopausal mama reared her ugly head, looking for an excuse to kick ass.
14. Having your short and curlies waxed off.
15. Teen pregnancy. We’re talking your crotchfruit, not your body. Same fear — different uterus.
16. Bathing suit shopping, and the horror of fluorescent lighting.
17. Expiration dates. Like when your yogurt expired five minutes ago, and you’re convinced it’s poisonous.
18. Lower spine osteoporosis, where I’m stuck looking at my toes for the rest of my life. Year round pedicures would be expensive.
19. Clogged toilets. Shit’s about to go down.
20. Creepy white cargo vans. Buffalo Bill is waiting inside hoping to turn my size 12 frame into a skin suit.
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