Dedicated to the nights I can hardly remember…with the friends I could never forget!
We’ve been found guilty of an irreversible moment known as the tipping point. It hits hard-and-fast, and the dark side always wins. If I had but one superpower, it would be to recognize this before committing the crime. By the time I’m aware, shame and regret are escorting me home. It’s a performance worthy of a scene.
The following documents a misdemeanor in progress. It offers no opinions, analysis or conclusions. Just the facts. The name of the suspect has not been released to protect her identity.
1. Chain of Events
The suspect neglected to drink water, hydrate, or slow down her weapon of choice.
The contents of her stomach reveal no food was consumed before the assault.
The bartender reported she started with a martini, switched to wine, and finished with a shot.
The repeat offender attempted to bark, drink-for-drink, with the big dogs. Some people never learn.
Objection, that’s forming an opinion.
2. Photograph and document the scene
Victim Statement: “Yes sir Occifer (hic), I took a ton of pictures tonight. In my defense, the Prosecco kept slurring in my ear, “You look so beautiful, take a selfie to prove it. I…I trusted her.”
Police Report – Enter exhibit A: Photos apprehended from the suspect’s camera phone indicate a drunken downward spiral.
3. Digital evidence
Victim Statement: “I have no recollection of posting anything to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I only remember texting that I was out with the girls, and should be home shortly for more fun, wink wink.”
Police Report – Enter exhibit B: Promises sent to her husband of acts she clearly wasn’t conscious to carry out.
4. Secure the area
Victim Statement: “My tipping point happens when my vertical hold short-circuits. The room, and everything in it, rolls upward like film credits at the end of a movie.”
Police Report – Enter exhibit C: The suspect displayed nausea with a touch of panic. She frantically searched for the nearest exit, but settled for a piece of porcelain.
5. Biological evidence
Victim Statement: “How can a salad not be digested 8 hours after eating it?”
Police Report – Enter exhibit D: The remains discovered were that of Spinach, Arugula and Sundried Tomato.
6. Collect items
Victim Statement: “Someone stole my boots! I took them off to dance, and they disappeared.”
Police Report – Enter exhibit E: Coat, purse, cellphone and footwear were found scattered nearby.
7. Exclude all unauthorized personnel from the scene
Victim Statement: “Never underestimate the luxury of being at home when you’ve reached your tipping point. The alternative is a public bathroom stall.”
Police Report – Enter exhibit F: In this case, the less witnesses the better.
8. Toxicology report
Tunes you should have on your iPod:
Brad Paisley ✤ Alcohol
Eagles ✹ Tequila Sunrise
Luke Bryan ✪ Take My Drunk Ass Home
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