Dear 3 a.m, we have got to stop meeting like this.
I’d much rather sleep with you.
When you spend one third of your life sleeping, you’d think it’d be something you could do with your eyes closed. However, sleep is an elusive, taunting little bitch. Whether its work, worry, checklists, or the endless loop of a song, we don’t get nearly enough shuteye.
I wish I could sleep but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and then…
One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Old MacDonald had a farm. HEEEY Macarena!
On Sunday night those off-color black sheep stagger in to be counted. If only Monday morning were as easy as I am. The bags under my eyes are bigger than my boobs. Fuck-ups such as the space shuttle Challenger explosion, Exxon Valdez oil spill, and Chernobyl nuclear meltdown admit sleep deprivation as a factor.
Gravol, helping you slip into a nice coma for a few hours.
Alcohol induced sleeps are the worst. Waking up to pee drains the firewater but speeds up dehydration. Before losing consciousness, take gravol and ibuprofen with a tall drink of water (interpret that however you want). Extreme fatigue results in uncontrollable laughing fits where tears flow down your leg.
Sleep is key to the fountain of youth. Experts advise at least eight hours of beauty sleep…nine if you’re ugly. Designer bags under your eyes? Unpack them with cucumber slices, or if you really want to get to the bottom of it try a dab of Preparation H. Sleepless nights lead to weight gain, and the realization your body is retaining food, not water.
If you get caught sleeping on the job slowly raise your head and say “In Jesus name, amen.”
Baby manuals don’t accurately describe the correlation of sleep deprivation and newborns. There should be a chapter cautioning that weeks without sleep is comparable to waterboard torture tactics in a Guantanamo prison. In my darkest hour I found myself gently crooning “shut the fuck up” to the tune of rock-a-bye-baby.♪♫ Not my finest mommy moment but definitely not my worst.
I could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.
Whether you’re an early bird or a night owl is genetic. Our internal clocks are wound right from birth. The early bird may get the worm but that’s gross. Brunch is more civilized and was invented for night owls. When you’re dog tired and hair of the dog isn’t practical, a 20 minute cat nap can be just what the doctor ordered. And remember, there’s always caffeine…
Sangria Wine Rack
| Do | Don't | Rx |
|---|---|---|
| Sleep only when sleepy | Don’t have a daytime nap longer than 30 minutes | Espresso |
| Chill out in a cool bedroom | Avoid clutter and chaos in the bedroom | Breathe-right strips and a two-finger of Scotch |
| Exercise in the morning | No alcohol, caffeine and nicotine before bed | Ha, ha, ha, ha |
| Meditate, yoga, self hypnosis | No arguments or difficult discussions before bed | A nice bath and a bottle of red |
| Curl your toes for 5 seconds and release. Repeat. Or have toe curling sex | Don’t use your bed for anything other than sleep and sex | Natural sleep aid: Melatonin |
| Block out light and sound from TV and electronics | Refrain from working or playing games on the computer at night | Prescription: sedative-hypnotic aka “blue betty” |
Sleepytime tunes you should have on your iPod:
- Melissa Etheridge ✣ I Need To Wake Up
- Anna Nalick ✵ Breathe (2 AM)
- Aerosmith ✰ Dream On
