Valentine’s Day…because love isn’t complicated enough!
Her: My first kiss was in kindergarten. It happened spontaneously, at the bottom of the stairs heading outside for recess. He planted one on my lips…then promptly slugged me in the gut. He has no recollection of this now, but I’ll never forget the first time I was sucker punched by cupid’s arrow.
Me: My first kiss was in Grade 2. He was my first crush, and I puppy loved him. As he leaned in for an awkward kiss, I backed up and tripped over my bike. The one with the banana seat and cards in the spokes. I fell heels over head, and my skirt flew over my face. We avoided eye contact for months.
Her: The first time I received a French kiss was in Grade 8. It was a startling, tongue-thrusting event similar to a lizard probing for a cricket. I’ve made out with a fair number of frogs before finding my prince. Not all of them ended with reptile dysfunction.
Me: My first introduction to French kissing was in Grade 9. He assumed the way to my heart was through my throat. It was like kissing a tongue depressor. I gave him a gross misconduct penalty for violating the rules of tonsil hockey, and threw him out of the game.
Her: In Gone With The Wind, Rhett Butler tells Scarlett O’Hara, “You should be kissed, and often. And by someone who knows how.” From washing my car to washing my back, I appreciate the random acts of romance my husband does for me on any given day. The best kisses stem from real love.
Me: Kevin Costner’s character in Bull Durham gave me a lady boner when he said “I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” Throughout the years, and with the help of a man I love, I’ve learned to appreciate the fine art of swapping spit. Fuck you Valentines Day, this is my everyday.
Sangria Wine Rack
|The record for the longest kiss is 58 hrs, 3 hours and 58 seconds.||It took a shitload of lip balm to rehydrate those puckers.|
|Kissing is like real estate.||Location, location, location.|
|⅔ of all kissers tilt their head to the right.||⅓ of kissers have a plugged left nostril.|
|The average woman kisses 15 guys before finding the man of her dreams.||My lips are sealed on my total tally.|
|Saliva contains testosterone, the hormone of sexual desire.||Precisely why men like to give really sloppy kisses.|
|Women rate kissing as more important in relationships than men do.||Men need to spend more time at first base before rounding home.|
|One minute of passionate kissing burns 6.4 calories.||You’d have to suck face for 55 minutes for one piece of chocolate cake.|
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