1. Buy a water based lubricant. The old grey mare, she ain’t what she used to be.
2. If your cup is half full, splurge on a new bra. The girls deserve a cushy home.
3. Feast on white tray buns with melted Velveeta [the polyester of dairy products].
4. People who don’t RSVP have never organized an event. Reply yay or nay, either way.
5. Light the candles and enjoy a relaxing bubble bath for two. You and your wine.
6. Shoes, scarfs, and accessories don’t give a damn what the scale says.
7. Stay in touch with your family. They may not have it all together, but together you have it all.
8. Embrace aging, you can’t buy this confidence in your youth.
9. An open bar is a dangerous thing. Respect it.
10. All women want/need is world peace and a banging pedicure.
1. Don’t wear open-toe sandals if you can swoop out of the sky and snatch dinner from the lake.
2. Unless your parenting advice is which wine pairs best with three weeks of laundry, keep it to yourself.
3. Don’t put nudie pics in cyberspace unless your kids have a strong stomach.
4. Don’t put your money where your mouth is, that’s gross.
5. Don’t presume you can outwit, outplay, outlast your kids at beer pong.
6. Don’t cross your legs when you sit. It’s hard on your heart, and flattens your ass.
7. Don’t get road rage pushing your shopping cart in Walmart.
8. Don’t drive away until your kid is fully out of the car.
9. Don’t lie about your age, impress people with it.
10. Don’t put the key to happiness in someone else’s hands.
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