I’m a grammar snob. It pains me to see the English language, in all its ridiculous glory, massacred by texts. Obviously, the medieval mad men responsible for creating such absurd rules were shitfaced. With every shot, they’d chuckle and say, “Let’s throw a silent G into champagne, mind fuck, har, har!” We’ve been #blessed with the the vocabulary of well-educated sailors, qualifying us to point out idiosyncrasies.
1. Punctuation
Remember teenagers, nothing is scarier than a missed period. Interpreting run-on sentences is like cracking a secret code. Exclamation points are fun party hounds, adding extra oomph to ordinary conversations!! Writing in ALL CAPS insinuates a bold and sassy, or loud and brassy tone!
2. Commas
Use ‘comma’ sense or sound like a psycho. I like cooking my family and my pets.
3. Silent letters
The word phonetically doesn’t even start with a fucking F. Honestly, whoever wrote a paragraph combing through silent letters should be acknowledged and brought a glass of draught.
4. Dictionary/Thesaurus
Dictionaries stayed current with the addition of words like selfie, twerk, food-baby, mommy porn, amazeballs, and woot woot. But while the dictionary maintained that thrift shop swag, the same can’t be said for the Encyclopedia Britannica. This massive 32 volume gilt lettered set was expensive, heavy, and too big for a backpack. I guess their tomb was up.
5. Cursive/Typing
In high school tests, cursive was discreetly scratched on our wrists and hands. Now, it’s rocking out with 8-tracks and cassettes. Typing class consisted of two pieces of paper with carbon tucked awkwardly in between, inevitably leaving black fingerprints on the good copy. If the white out wasn’t dry after blowing on it, you were left with a gooey mess.
6. Texting
When I was a teen, handwritten chain letters were all the rage. You risked imminent death if you didn’t forward it to your closest friends. Texting turned English into a second language called B4 – BINGO.
7. Homophones
Homophones are words that sound the same, but are spelled otherwise and have different meanings. You no you’re a homophone if you scents something wrong with this paragraph. Their are at least too ways of spelling certain words but if you chews the wrong won it altars the meaning of the sentence. For example; a man who sales for a living is known as a semen.
Contraction and Possessive
A contraction is two words combined by an apostrophe. Possessive shows ownership. I can’t believe I went out with an apostrophe. He was so possessive.
You’re … You are
Your … belongs to you
They’re … they are
There … where/place
Their … not yours
The “I before E” dilemma
I before E…except when you run a feisty heist for a weird beige foreign neighbor. Your homework assignment today is to find the 44 words that actually follow the rule.
Capitalization
Need we say more…
Sangria Wine Rack
| Old school | Back in the day | nw’dys |
|---|---|---|
| Daddy-O | Bro | Dude |
| Off the deep end | Freak out | Cray Cray |
| Cool | Gnarly | Rad |
| Shoot the breeze | Chill out | Marinate |
| Fuzz | Cops | Po-Po |
| Jack, moolah, scratch | Wad, bucks, dough | Cheddar, bling, skrilla |
| Be there or be square | Catch you on the flip side | Turn up |
| Hip | Bitch’n | Gucci |
Most of the men that know the Sangria Sisters have been on the receiving end of English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real Shit…
Funny and correct!
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Great lesson. I will keep to refer back to. 😉