Knowing Your Shit Vs. Knowing You’re Shit

I have to admit, I’m a grammar nazi. It pains me to see the English language, in all its ridiculous glory, massacred in our kids’ texts. Obviously, the medieval mad men responsible for creating absurd rules were shitfaced. With every shot, they’d chuckle and say, “Mind fuck, har, har!”  We’ve been #blessed with the the vocabulary of well-educated sailors, thus qualifying us to point out such idiosyncrasies.

Punctuation

Interpreting a run-on sentence is similar to cracking a secret code. Nothing is scarier than a missed period. Exclamation points invigorate even the most ordinary conversation! These party hounds add extra oomph to a sentence, especially when adding multiple points!!! Similar to writing in ALL CAPS, the exclamation point insinuates a bold, assertive tone!

Commas

Use your ‘comma’ sense or sound like a psycho. I like cooking my family and my pets. Most people find punctuation so boring, it makes them comma-toes.

Silent letters

The word phonetically doesn’t even start with an f. Why should we be expected to spell correctly when we can’t sound out the word. Honestly, whoever would write a paragraph combing through the depths of silent letters should be acknowledged and brought a glass of draught or champagne.

Dictionary/Thesaurus

Dictionaries have stayed current with the addition of new words like selfie, twerk, food-baby, mommy porn, amazeballs, and woot (yes, as in woot woot). And while the dictionary maintained that thrift shop swag, the same can’t be said for the Encyclopedia Britannica. This massive 32 volume gilt lettered set was expensive, heavy, and too big for a backpack. I guess their tomb was up.

Autocorrect

Do you think it’s better to draw with a pen or a penis?
Who the hell is doing the auto corrections?

Handwriting/Typing

In high school, ink was discreetly scratched on wrists and hands. Now, cursive is now rocking out with 8-tracks and cassettes. Typing class consisted of two pieces of paper with carbon tucked awkwardly in between, which would inevitably leave black fingerprints on your good copy. If the white out wasn’t quite dry, even after furiously blowing on it, you were left with a smeared gooey mess.

Texting

When we were teenagers, handwritten chain letters were all the rage. You risked bad luck or imminent death if you didn’t forward the letter to your closest friends. Texting has turned English into a second language. I understand that typing on a tiny screen has its challenges, but B4 is not English…it’s Bingo.

Homophones

Homophones are words that sound the same, but are spelled otherwise and have different meanings. You no you’re a homophone if you scents something wrong with this paragraph. Their are at least too ways of spelling certain words but if you chews the wrong won it altars the meaning of the sentence. For example; a man who sales for a living is known as a semen.

Contraction and Possessive

A contraction is two words combined by an apostrophe. Possessive shows ownership. I can’t believe I went out with an apostrophe.  He was so possessive.

You’re … You are
Your … belongs to you
They’re … they are
There … where/place
Their … not yours

The “I before E” dilemma

I before E…except when you run a feisty heist for a weird beige foreign neighbor. Your homework assignment today is to find the 44 words that actually follow the rule.

Capitalization

Need we say more…

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