Entertainment

I’m Picturing You Naked…

It takes more than three weeks to
prepare a good impromptu speech. ~ Mark Twain

For the majority of people, public speaking is the number one fear. It ranks higher than death. To quote Jerry Seinfeld, if the average person had to be at a funeral, they would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

We were asked to present at a two day speaking engagement called the Lipstick Luncheon. It’s the brainchild of an innovative marketing team at Pandell, a software solutions company. Don’t let the hot pink girly decor fool you. These gals mean business. It’s a fun networking event dedicated to professional women in the oil and gas industry. We were told to expect around 100 people. I felt my sphincter tighten.

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At first we thought, fuck no. We’re extroverted, but the thought of speaking in front of a crowd was terrifying. On the other hand, it would be great exposure and like the Hilton sisters, we want to be famous for doing nothing. It would save us from making a sex tape. However, the timing wasn’t ideal. We’re still feeling the aftershocks from Dad’s passing, and our creative juices were squeezed dry.

We heard crickets after our first run-through with Pandell, so it was back to the drawing board. We revised it more times than we could count. We memorized and rehearsed that goddamn speech over and over. We began to hate the script with a passion. Our next meeting was met with more enthusiasm, but the team wanted to tinker with our material. We received a substantial revision Saturday morning…three days before the presentation. On the busiest week in June.

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We emerged as temperamental artists who were anxious, tired, and pissy. No brown M&M’s for us bitch. We knew our stuff cold, but forgot every word the moment we stood up. We were stiff as Viagra dicks and panic was setting in. The best advice came from our good friend Danny, a college instructor. He told us to do a practice run when we were drunk, and over-exaggerate every gesture. It was music to our ears. If only all advice came in that form.

Around 20 minutes before the lights were dimmed, my fight or flight impulse kicked in. I wanted to bolt, but you never leave a Sister behind. It felt like giving birth, only we were the babies getting pushed out a vaj and into the spotlight. The best thing about speaking in front of a crowd is the audience really wants you to succeed. We could feel the love.

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We still have PTSD, but we’re not saying we wouldn’t do it again. It’s a lot like losing your virginity. After the first time, you can work on perfecting your skill. When all was said and done, we were rated above average. That’s higher than I ranked the first time I scored

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Sangria Wine Rack

TipsEncore! Encore!Bring Out The Hook
Start with a joke.I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister all walk into a bar.
Tell a story.“You won’t believe what happened.”“Once Upon A Time...”
Even if you don’t think you’re being stiff... you’re stiff.A wee bit of wine is helpful.Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Throw in simple facts that they probably didn’t know.Your brain is more active sleeping than it is watching TV.The lint that collects on the bottom of your pockets is called gnurr.
Bring the energy.Move around, engage and have confidence.Red Bull gives you wings, and the shakes.
They want to know more about you.Val is by far the older sister.Describe your allergies, digestive problems, and fetishes.
Make sure you’ve finished speaking before the audience has finished listening.Always leave them wanting more.I just posted my family vacation album on Facebook.

Tunes you should have on your iPod:
Sara Bareilles ✦ Brave
Lady GaGa ✤ Applause
Berlin ✸ No More Words

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Join the discussion

  1. Ken MacLean

    Val now sits at the head of the family dinner table and orates. Move over Nenshi.

  2. Margot

    Welcome to my world, my friends 🙂 One of my fave lines: “These days the only thing I retain is water.” Congrats on stepping out of the comfort zone.

  3. Barb MacKinnon Broyles

    Wow! Im very impressed. Standing up, front and center, in front of a crowd is such a hard place to be…and you SPOKE!!! Congrats on getting that first one over with. What’s next?!

  4. Terri

    Atta girls!

  5. Danny

    I knew you guys would be fantastic!

  6. Cathy Duke

    Way to go! Public speaking terrifies me!

  7. Scott McGillivray

    We now have 4 stand-up comedians in McGillivray / MacLean ville. Ken and I welcome you to the club.

  8. Bonnie

    I honestly never doubted you girls. Never once have I seen you at a loss for words!

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