In our 20’s, Halloween was a riot. We’d show up at community hall cabarets and announce “I’m only here for the boo’s.” Taking shots every time you saw a slutty costume was as dangerous as driving a porcelain bus. While other babies dressed up like lollypop-sucking strippers, I sported a bald cap, diapers, and oversized soother. The drunks rubbed my head for good luck.
Bippity Bobbity Boo. I’d rather have a martini or two.
When we were young, Mom was the wizard of homemade costumes. She believed you either committed to the character, or looked half-assed. If you’re gonna wear a ghost costume with conviction, you might as well get sheet-faced. Dad dressed as a boo-tiful ballerina or the jolly green giant, while Mom’s scarecrow was outstanding in her field.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
The first movie I watched through my fingers was Halloween. I never looked at knitting needles the same way. Jason taught us that Friday kicks off a killer weekend. Texas Chainsaw Massacre villains disarmed people and carved them up like pumpkins. My nightmares weren’t only on Elm Street. Macabre mind-fuck movies like the Exorcist and Omen were more up my dark alley. Of corpse, iconic movies aren’t nearly as hair-raising without a bitchin’ soundtrack.
This witch can be bribed with chocolate.
The best part of Halloween is goblin up the goodies. I stuff my wrappers in a Smarties box to hide the carnage. Those fun-size candy bars are smaller than some of the vitamins I choke back, giving me permission to hoover. I’ve run out of candy more times than I can count after losing all self-control. Women flash each other knowing smiles in the supermarket checkout, as we sheepishly replenish our stock.
Drink up witches.
My husband Scott dressed in drag one year and was so convincing with his frosted tips and mini-skirt, he couldn’t walk to the bar without being hit on. Twerk or treat. From Cleopatra to Pippi Longstocking, every year was spook-tacular. To this day, we still love a good theme party. Whether it’s 80’s Madonna, or a crack hoe at the Pimp & Prostitute party, we’ll always give fangs for the memories. Happy Hallo’ Wine!
Tunes you should have on your iPod:
Radiohead ✹ Creep
Michael Jackson ✪ Thriller
Warren Zevon ✤ Werewolves of London
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