Do: Bring out the girls. Show some cleave. Stampede’s the only time of year where rhinestones, tassels, and show pony attire is considered purdy.
Don’t: Go full hoe. Undoing your top 3 buttons after kissing the kids goodbye is the equivalent of ditching winter gear after leaving your parents house.
Do: Stay true to your vows.
Don’t: Blow it on a one-night Stampede stand. Save your mulligan for someone more bangable, like a celebrity crush. Paging Dr. Jon Bon Jovi. Bad medicine is what I need.
Do: Charge your electronic devices every dang night.
Don’t: Go dark using some sorry-ass excuse that your phone died. This ain’t my first rodeo.
Do: Pal around with your friendly waitress.
Don’t: Fancy those busty young tub tarts have any interest in you, other than paying off their student loans. They’re really feeling sorry… for your wife.
Do: Take a cab home. Worry about how you’ll return it the next morning.
Don’t: The problem with drinking and driving is the mourning after. Your dog won’t understand why you never came home.
Do: Chase the mini donuts and Jurassic Pork mac ‘n cheese down with deep fried Tequila.
Don’t: Forget the Tums, B-12, Emergen-C, Gravol, Advil, and rehydration salts.
Do: Ditch the glass slippers, and invest in a good pair of cowboy boots.
Don’t: Buy boots the day before you have to wear them. You will heel the pain.
Do: Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Ice cubes engulfed in vodka doesn’t count. If you came looking for pee jokes, urine luck.
Don’t: Ever squat with your spurs on.
Do: Treat your woman like a racehorse and she won’t be a nag.
When you don’t: Cowgirls be like, sweet as sugar, hard as ice, fool me once, I’ll shoot you twice.
Do: Commit to a cowboy hat.
Don’t: Fret, hat hair don’t care. Wear a low cut blouse and no one will notice.
Do: If the soup of the day is tequila, remember IT’S A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT!
Don’t: Forget that food is a great garnish to your favourite bottle. My lips taste like Sangria. It’s a Stampede thing!
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