12 Reasons Why Millennials Don’t Suck

Today’s young adults are getting a bad rap. After all, we’re the ones who spoiled the little buggers. Not all millennials are entitled, but we haven’t done them a solid by solving their first world problems. As parents we contribute in our own whack job ways, but society has screwed them over.

I’m looking at you…

1. Smartphones.  Unlike Eric Clapton, they’re never unplugged. These kids have nothing to fear, but fear it selfie.

2. Extracurricular activities.  My boy’s gonna play in the big league. Over-scheduling our ‘prodigies’ often burned them out early, or restricted them to only one sport/activity. Could our competitive nature be the reason they don’t get off the couch today?

3. Acronyms/slang.  Kids these days DGAF about spelling, grammar and all dat. U r gonna get a sorry, not sorry every time they throw shade. Don’t matter, cuz YOLO!


4. Moving out.  An alarming number of 18-34 year old’s are still living with their parents. You really can’t blame them. Becoming an adult was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

5. Rap music.  You just can’t listen to the lyrics without an overwhelming desire to punch someone in the throat.

6. Little Miss Unemployed.  The prospect of getting a job after 4+ years of beer, sweat, and tears is grim. We’re anxious for our kids to choose a career path, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the bathroom.


7. Politically correct assholes. They’ve cleaned up our innocent kid-speak for ‘licorice’ babies, and eenie meenie minie moe. That’s a good thing. Just leave us the Blackhawks and Redskins.

8. Post-secondary education. If you ever want to visualize what a deer looks like in headlights, ask a Grade 12 student their plans for next year. With admission standards so freakishly high, and my inability to decipher Grade 4 math, I can safely say my rejection letter is in the mail.

9. Participation awards. Little Abner doesn’t need another fucking ribbon for picking dandelions on the soccer field. The only ones keeping score are the kids.


10. Bubble kids. Our brand new elementary school wouldn’t allow netting on the basketball hoops, in order to protect the kids. Talk about nothing but net.

11. Big city driving. Who’d of thought our youngins would shy away from the glorious freedom that is a driver’s license. To be fair, it was easier to learn in a town of 985,000 less people.

12. Helicopter parents. Time to land that chopper. Sisters aren’t doin’ it for themselves. Why stand on your own two feet when mommy and daddy’s whirlybird can carry you?


First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes millennials driving a fancy carriage (Audi A4). We represent the Fancy Ass/Bonne Bell generation. Our younger models covet Diesel and Kate Spade. Let’s hope they learn better spending habits when they’re running our country. Our parents weren’t sure about us either, and look how good we turned out!

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  1. Joanne Cave

    So happy I was a teen in the eighties with you girls!

  2. Bonnie

    Once again you girls nailed it!

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