1. I recently stumbled across my high school transcripts. It was humbling to see my teenage fuckery translated into half-assed marks. I resolved to turn that mockery into a drinking game. Take a swig for ‘talks incessantly.’ Guzzle for ‘not working to potential.’
2. We didn’t have Big Brother narcing us out when we missed a class, so I skipped school until I got caught. When the hammer came down, my folks were notified and I was suspended. Mom chipped in with three weeks in solitary with no hope of parole.
3. Everyone smoked in the 80’s, even if it was secondhand. Non-smokers were notorious for lighting up when they got lit up. Du Maurier was my brand of lung darts. I eventually quit because I couldn’t stand the smell of my butt(s).
4. My room was disgusting. Dirty dishes piled up under my bed, and mountains of clean, worn-but-wearable, and downright nasty clothes covered the floor. The only way to tell them apart was to snap it out straight, and take a big whiff. (I still do that.)
5. I hardly ever finished my homework. Before class, I’d cozy up to my smart friends and copy off them. I talked more than my Chatty Cathy doll. Do I feel hypocritical for harping on my kids study habits? Hell no, I enjoy playing the villain.
6. When I was 16, I entered into a relationship with a 21-year old co-worker that lasted over a year. He was a great first boyfriend. Respectful, mature, and best of all, he drove a smokin’ hot crimson Camaro.
7. By virtue of the older boyfriend and a big rack, I was booting beer for my friends three years before I was legal. The drinking age was 19, which made me popular with older kids whose balls still hadn’t dropped.
8. Saskatchewan bush parties are the best. We’d cruise to the outskirts of town, and strap on our beer goggles. In my hurry to make curfew, I jumped in a car with a drunk driver. We drove off a small bridge, and hit the ice below. Thankfully, it was only a flesh wound.
9. Back in the day, buzzed driving was socially acceptable. Coming home from the bar one night, a cop stopped our carload of girls, took one look at my eyes, and politely asked who was the least intoxicated. He had us switch drivers, and sent us straight home.
10. I was never promiscuous, but I had my share of steamy car windows. I can count the number of guys I’ve slept with on one hand… (JK)
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