Her: Sandbags, Coat hooks, Beagle ears
What can we say, gravity’s a b-i-t-c-h. If you’re confident you’d clean up (wipe the floor) in a saggy boob competition, you may be a woman over 50.
Him: Chesticles, Moobs, Mitties (man titties)
If you take inventory of your body in a full-length mirror and think “Dear God…I’m turning into my Mother,” you may be a man over 50.
Her: I’d love to stay and chat, but I really 
If you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache, and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore, you may be a woman over 50.
Him: Male pattern blindness
If you’re too sexy for your hair [so it relocated to your nostrils and ears], you may be a man over 50.
Her: Brows on fleek…or playing hide and seek?
Contrary to men’s bushy brows, ours become so sparse we’re driven to draw them on. If you enjoy raising a few eyebrows, you may be a woman over 50.
Him: Eyebrows speak louder than words
If your untamed tufts remind you of baby caterpillars, you may be a man over 50.
Her: No, I said I’ve got acute angina
If you’ve ever ridden a camel [toe] across the Mojave Desert in search of a [lube in a tube] oasis, you may be a woman over 50.
Him: I’m not crazy but my testicles are nuts
The male sex drive through the ages:
Ages 16-32 
Tri-weekly
Ages 33-52 Try weekly
Age 52 and up Try weakly
Her: Sorry, I ovary-acted
If my greatest fear is that menopause doesn’t exist and this is the REAL me, I am a spirited woman over 50.
Him: Manopause
After reading this I am going to cover the skylight in the upstairs bathroom shaving ten years off in the mirror, pay the extra $10 to have my eyebrows groomed and try, try, try again.
Humbly yours,