Health

Why Fifty Is F**king Nifty

Milestone birthdays are either eagerly anticipated or send shivers down your spine. Here are our Top 10 reasons why 50 is fucking nifty.

1. Wisdom

If you learn something new every day, by age 50 we’ve amassed 18,250 meaningless facts. Did you know a kangaroo has three vaginas? You’re welcome.

2. Warmth

With all those candles on your cake, the heating bill is low. Added bonus: the inner child inside your body loves to play with matches.

3. Low Maintenance

Good news is the hair on your legs grows so sparse you hardly need to shave. Great news is you have more time to work on your new mustache.

4. Chin Hair, Don’t Care

“Go on,” I whisper as I unfold my hands towards the open sky. A single fuck escapes my fingers, soaring gracefully into the air. “You’re free now,” I say. My last fuck is gone.

5. Sleep

If you’re trying to find more hours in a day, look no further than the middle of the night. Think of it as more ‘me’ time.

6. Friendship

When shit goes down and sides are taken, you know who is real and who is fakin’.

7. Pregnancy

We spend half our lives dodging pregnancy scares. It’s a relief knowing your eggs are hard-boiled.

8. Independent

What’s a queen without a king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful…

Older women exude a quiet confidence without the need for approval ratings.

9. Mo’ money

Imagine the dough you’ll save when you forsake feminine hygiene.

10. Family

Don’t think of it as an empty nest, think of it as parenting free-range young adults. Less attitude and eye rolling, more interesting conversations and beer sharing.

The lesson here today kids is no matter how old you are, focus on what really matters. Age sure as hell isn’t one of them.

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  1. Ken MacLean

    Thanks for helping me feel good about myself when I turn 50!

  2. Shellie Murchie

    random useless fact #149: Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.
    random useless fact #207: There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
    random useless fact #230: 3.9% of all women do not wear underwear…. WHERE DO THEY STORE THEIR $$$ BILLS;)

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