One day, long long ago, there lived a woman
Who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But it was a long time ago,
And it was just that one day.
A newlywed couple was out for a honeymoon hike, when the agitated bride shoved her husband of eight days face-first off a cliff with both hands. Our first thought was maybe he should have shut the fuck up. When considering a logical excuse to curb primal urges, ask yourself if orange could be your new black. Sooner or later, every Sister discovers the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his sternum.
Disney princesses hoodwinked us into believing that happily-ever-after is as easy as shagging Prince Charming. But what comes after ever-after? Imagine the sequel 15 years later when the future king and queen are disenchanted, and living the dream seems so far-far away (think “Real Housewives of Disney”). Tune in to hear Charming jest that 15 years of wedlock feels closer to 20 with the wind chill.
Men innately benefit from a game plan they prefer to keep on the DL. It’s an art form called ‘Strategic Incompetence.’ Common tasks are done ineffectually in a clever disguise to deflect the work back to you. His idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. When you reclaim the laundry because he can’t work an appliance without a remote control, it’s a slam dunk for him.
Marriage is often compared to a high stakes poker game. You begin as a well suited pair surrounded by diamonds and hearts. You hold ‘em, you go all in. There are even purses and shoes. But as time goes by, the short stack doesn’t leave you feeling as flushed as it once did. A full house can lead to the stone cold bluff, freezeout, and flop. Ultimately, clubs and spades become a useful accessory in your backyard plot.
If a man stands alone in the forest, and there are no women around to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
Men and women are fundamentally different. But despite having an infinite number of contrasting character traits, love and relationships continue to flourish. When the love is good they are the peanut to our butter, the shake to our bake, the flip to our flop, the gin to our tonic. Men add comic relief and color to our world. Sometimes it’s a kaleidoscope of fiery colors, such as Off-with-his-head red, Raunchy rose, Red-hot ruby, and Stubborn bloodstain burgundy.
Why men are not allowed to take messages…
Sangria Wine Rack
Respect, devotion, validation
Appreciation, admiration, approval
|I’ll be ready in 5 minutes...||I told you I’d be home in 5 minutes...stop calling every half hour|
Boils at nothing, freezes easily, melts when appreciated, can be bitter
Solid at room temperature, gets bent out of shape easily, fairly dense, flaky
|Emotional thinker, prefers to share/discuss problems||Logical thinker, problem solver|
|Uses kill you in your sleep words such as fine, go ahead, nothing, wow, whatever||Would rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission|
|Enhanced ability to recall every argument in the history of the relationship||Leaves the past where it belongs, already forgot yesterday|
|Affection. Cuddle bunny||Sexual fulfillment. Fuck buddy|
|Never up, never in = Menstruation||Never up, never in = Blue pill|
|7000 words per day. Quiet when mad||2000 words per day. Quiet when thinking|
This funny depiction of men vs. women really hits the nail on the head.
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Recommended girl power tunes you should have on your iPod:
- The Swag Geeks & Brook Penning ✦ Love Me Right!
- Maxine Linehan ✮ You Don’t Own Me
- Aretha Franklin ✤ Respect